An industrial on the verge of bankruptcy hires a strange actor to fake a robbery. Of course nothing goes to his plans and his day is about to turn in a nightmare.
Copyright© 2013 by Bruno Lacroix
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Lofty Larceny
is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright
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For the rights to stage Lofty Larceny you must communicate with the publisher. This play is registered under its original French version's name Haut Vol and that registration is valid for all versions.
Publisher: http://offthewallplays.com/about/
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Very special thanks to Martine Lacroix for her precious help.
List of characters by order of appearance
Tom Flores: Rich industrialist, Veronica's husband
Yves : Tom's personal secretary
Veronica Flores : Tom's wife
Shirley French : Veronica's sister
Greg Hasbine : Actor
Leyla Flores : Tom and Veronica's daughter
Fred : Doorman
Phil Philips : Insurance agent
Joel Christmas: Leyla's boyfriend
Lester : Repairman
Rob : Thief
It is crucial for the actor playing Greg to have arms long enough for a demanding scene.
Fred and Phil's roles may be interpreted by the same actor.
The set can be adapted if needed. The elevator will be replaced by an entrance with an arch. The elevator will then be virtually backstage.
ACT I
SCENE 1
The action is set in a penthouse on Boston's waterfront. A private elevator gives access to it. On the left side of the set, there is the master bedroom's door. In the left corner, is the private elevator. Most of the back wall is a panoramic window from which we see a part of the river Charles and the city. There is a French door that gives access to a balcony that all will assume to cover most of the set. To the right, there are two doors. The one closest to the balcony is the guest room and there is the kitchen's door near the front stage. Between the elevator's doors and the master's bedroom there is a small table. Between the guest's bedroom and the kitchen's door there is a chair. In the centre of the stage there is a modular sofa without arms or back, So anyone can sit on it or lie down in different ways. A very large luxurious throw is folded on the sofa. In the right corner there is a real gigantic plant, just so that someone can hide behind it.
1 YVES, handing a sheet of paper
Here is the information that you've asked for, sir.
2 TOM,taking it
Ah, thank you so much, Yves. You've also prepared some croissants?
3 YVES
Yes, sir. They're almost done.
4 TOM
Hum! Yes, I can smell them. Just make sure we don't run out of coffee like the other day. There's nothing I hate more than running out of coffee in the morning. I'm asking you: is there anything more annoying than running out of coffee in the morning?
5 YVES
No, sir, you're right. I don't think there is. Well, maybe yes there could be, after all, but ...
6 TOM
Yes, but what?
7 YVES
Well, there might be some real tragedies in the world that would be more ... annoying as you say.
8 TOM
Yes, probably. Seen that way. But, still, running out of coffee in the morning, remains to me a lese-majesty crime. (Looking at his sheet.) These are all of my wife's activities just for today?
9 YVES
Yes, sir, only for today. Spa, hairdresser, shopping, tea room. Do you want me to review your activities for the day, sir?
10 TOM
No. It won't be necessary. Cancel all my appointments for this morning. I've got an urgent matter to take care of. So, her first appointment is in half-an-hour, I see. She should hurry up.
11 YVES
Yes, I'm on it. Do you need me to help you with this urgent matter, sir?
12 TOM
No, I would like you to accompany Veronica. Make sure she is on time. I don't wish to be disturbed this morning.
13 YVES
Very well, sir. I'll get the croissants out of the oven, I'll cancel all of your appointments and then I will accompany madam. (He goes to the kitchen.)
14 TOM, looking around
I'm on the verge of ruin. I've got no other choice. I have to go ahead with my plan. It's time for me to act. This Greg Hasbine should do it. (He dials a number on his cell phone.) Hello, Mr. Hasbine? Yes, it's me, Tom Flores.We had a discussion yesterday. I'm calling you for the audition. No, my place is preferable. Yes, of course I have a contract offer for you. Oh, yes, it's a first role. No, I haven't produced a movie or a play that you know of but I can promise you that you won't be disappointed. The fee will be up to your expectations if you filled all the criteria. Yes, it's a character part. So, I think you would be delighted. But I don't know you personally. That's why I picked you. Because you're an unknown. Exactly! I need a fresh ... face that people won't recognize. Oh yes, there's a chance people will know you after that. Who knows? You could end up on the front page with this role, but I prefer not. In some way, it's the kind of role you want to remain under the radar. We'll talk more about it when you get here. You've got my address right? You're at the Cafe du Palais? It's right next to here. Once you're in the hall, Fred, the doorman will call me and then you'll proceed to the elevator to get to my loft on the last floor. See you in a few. That's it. Goodbye!
SCENE 2
Yves enter the room from the kitchen with a chariot containing a croissant and a cup of coffee. He places himself near the master's bedroom. Veronica comes out of the master bedroom all dressed up. She is elegantly dressed and is wearing flashy extravagant jewelry. She takes the croissant and the coffee on the chariot.
15 VERONICA
Ah! Yves, my dear, just the smell of your coffee made me jump out of bed.
16 TOM
Good jumping, dear. I see that you're ready for today's activities.
17 YVES
Good morning, madam. Your newspapers are on the kitchen's table.
18 VERONICA
Good morning dear. I hope, they have chosen a better picture of me this time. What's the use of wearing haute-couture if they don't give a damn about the proper lighting in order to show my magnificent features? More so why particularly publish my picture if it doesn't show my value? Tell me, Tom, you are friends with this Derek something? Could you arrange for this low-level editor-in-chief that somehow always picks the wrong pictures of me, to be fired?
19 TOM
But you always look your best, darling, no matter what the lighting is. Stop worrying about all thisnonsense. Didn't you have fun last night?
20 VERONICA
It was so boring I could have died. As you can well imagine, in fact. But I would not want to miss these opera nights for any reason. All of Boston was there. Everybody but you. You should come with me more often to these events. Shirley is good company but she isn't Tom Flores. People are starting to believe that I'm a widow. I wonder what people find interesting about opera though? The music is dull and there is nothing to understand about the story. I mean... What story? At least, we know it's over when the fat lady sings. Now, let's have a look at these pictures. ( She goes to the kitchen, followed by Yves. Tom's cell phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket and answers.)
21 TOM, on the phone
Tom Flores. Hello, Leyla. How is it going? Good. Your mother is getting ready for the day, as usual. No, I haven't read the paper yet. Yes, I know, your mother is in the "What happened last night" column.
Veronica enters the room with the newspaper. Her hair is disheveled. Yves follows her.
22 TOM,to Leyla
Ah! You finally received your letter?
23 VERONICA
What letter?
24 TOM,to Veronica
Her admission letter to the MIME. (Veronica looks at Tom with a puzzled expression.)
25 TOM, to Leyla
Congratulations dear. (To Veronica.) Yes, the Mime International Master Education, the MIME.
26 VERONICA,taking the phone from Tom
Congratulations honey. Your father and I are delighted that you didn't pick the opera for studies.
27 TOM
Veronica.
28 VERONICA
But it's true! It is so twentieth century. (To Tom and placing her hand over the phone.) You know there are excellent acting schools in the country. (Continuing her conversation with Leyla.) Leyla, come celebrate with us tonight. Come with your handsome Joel. Yes.
29 TOM
Veronica!
30 VERONICA
Your father and I are supporting you in your career choice. We'll talk more about it later. See you tonight, kiss, kiss, ciao! (Veronica hangs up and hands the phone back to Tom.)A mime school! It's ridiculous. It's your chance tonight to make her realize what a mistake she's making there. She's got to audition in a famous acting school. It isn't too late. No really, can someone name a famous mime?
31 YVES
Marcel Marceau.
32 TOM
Having to listen to all of this has made me terribly hungry. (He goes to the kitchen.)
SCENE 3
33 YVES
Mrs. Flores, we've got to hurry or we'll be late for your first appointment.
34 VERONICA
I'm always late. They'll deal with me when I show up.
35 YVES,holding Veronica by the waist
And when will you deal with me?
Veronica gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and pushes him away,
36 VERONICA
You 're so eager this morning. You're taking unnecessary risks.
37 YVES
Your husband is blind with worries. What risks? There are no risks.
38 VERONICA
It's true he's getting over involved in his business lately. But it certainly doesn't give you the right to take his place. Especially not in his penthouse and under his nose.
39 YVES
I can't help it, Veronica. You make me crazy.
40 VERONICA
I advise you to get your self-control back. And because I am a faithful wife, I'm asking you to wait patiently until I make up my mind. For now, I have other priorities.
41 YVES
Like convincing your daughter to give up on her mimicking ambitions?
42 VERONICA
It doesn't concern you. Take my word and simply mind what you are paid for.
43 YVES, looking at his watch
Then, we should already be gone.
SCENE 4
44 TOM, coming back from the kitchen with half a croissant
They're so delicious, your croissants, Yves.
45 VERONICA
Tom, I will remain hopeful throughout my day that Leyla comes back to her senses and changes her mind. (She goes to the master bedroom.)
46 TOM, yelling
It's Leyla's choice, and we must respect that. And for your own knowledge, Marcel Marceau has had an international career. (Speaking softly.) Yves, call me if there is any change in her schedule. What do you have here? Looks like lipstick on your cheek.
47 YVES, wiping his cheek
Oh? No, no. It's only strawberry jam.
48 TOM
Tell me, do you like your job?
49 YVES
Of course, sir, why do you ask such a question?
50 TOM
You know I really appreciate your help. It's not everybody that can boast about having such a multi- talented secretary as you. I know Veronica isn't always easy to ... manage sometimes.
51 YVES
Don't worry for me sir. I know how to handle her, eh, I mean deal with her. One must not take her upfront but from behind. You know what I mean. Ah... Before I forget, sir, I must remind you that the intercom has not been repaired yet. And because you have decided not to have a landline phone here, your cell phone is the only way for Fred, the doorman, to reach you. The administration has promised to send us a repairman to fix this once and for all, but I have no idea when that will be.
Veronica comes back from the master bedroom and gives the newspaper to Tom. She goes to the elevator and pushes the button.
52 VERONICA
Finally, they've succeeded in printing a picture that does justice to my remarkable features. Yves, we've got to find a moment in my schedule to stop at Tiffany's. I was told that the jeweler just received a new Africancollection of jewels. It's the new trend.
53 TOM
Darling, don't you think you have enough jewels as it is? You have no idea how much it costs to insure those babies.
The elevator's door opens. Veronica and Yves enter.
54 VERONICA
You must be able to renew yourself when you're Mrs. Flores, dear. You wouldn't want people to imagine that Flores Industries are on the brink of bankruptcy. (She laughs and waves her hand.) Tata.
The elevator closes.
SCENE 5
Tom opens the French door and goes out on the balcony. He looks down. He comes back inside.
55 TOM
It's all going so fast.
56 SHIRLEY, coming out of the guest room dressed in a bathrobe
Hey, sexy, any coffee left?
57 TOM
Shirley? What are you doing here?
58 SHIRLEY
I'm happy to see you too, honey pot. But spare me your number. I need a double dose of caffeine before I can have an intelligent conversation. (She goes to the kitchen.)
59 TOM
Shoot! Shirley went with Veronica last night, at the opera. And it looks like my wife forgot to tell me that she invited her to sleep over. (He looks at his watch. He shouts.)Shirley! Shirley French!
Shirley comes back from the kitchen with a cup of coffee and a croissant.
60 SHIRLEY
Tom Flores, the last man who shouted at me is still in the intensive care eating his Jello with a straw.
61 TOM
Pardon me. But I was thinking to myself: Oh, what a lovely day for shopping. Your sister has already left to empty the stores.
62 SHIRLEY
My youngest sister has always been of the morning type. By the way, thanks for asking, we spent a lovely evening yesterday at the opera.
63 TOM
Shirley, you know I really like you and you're my favorite sister-in-law.
64 SHIRLEY
I have no idea what you're plotting, but you can't manipulate me like you manipulate Veronica, my dear man. Flores Industries, the largest manufacturer of needles and knitting needles in the world...It never impressed me. I'm very surprised, in fact, that you haven't declared bankruptcy yet. Considering that the Chinese always could produce the same thing you do, for a fraction of what it costs you.
65 TOM, sighing
So, what's new pussycat?
66 SHIRLEY
I'm still single if that's what you want to know? For the difference it can make in your life.
67 TOM
I was just wondering, 'cause I've met a charming lady recently. She works for me in the payroll department. She's been talking about her break up.
68 SHIRLEY
Your employees are confiding in you?
69 TOM
In fact, I overheard a conversation with her co-workers.
70 SHIRLEY
You're spying on your employees? How despicable of you.
71 TOM
Overhearing corridor conversations isn't really spying on anyone my dear. So, I heard her say that she just got separated from her girlfriend. It looks like she's playing on your team.
72 SHIRLEY
So?
73 TOM
She's extremely attractive. She won't be single for long. Her name is Alice.
74 SHIRLEY
Isn't that an extremely old-fashioned name, Alice? She probably has already one foot in the grave.
75 TOM
It's not any older than Shirley. You brag about being abreast of the newest and latest fashions. You should know that old-fashioned names keep coming back every ten years or so. And in fact, I believe she's just about your age. (He takes her by the arm and drags her to the guest room.) I'll be delighted to present her to you. Hurry up! Get dressed and make yourself beautiful if that's possible.
76 SHIRLEY
I'm warning you Tom Flores, as far as I'm concerned, this is no laughing matter.
77 TOM
Hurry up! Time flies. Hearts aflutter! She's coming to see me this morning. (He pushes her in the room and closes the door. His phone rings. He answers.) Tom Flores. Sure, Fred, my friend, let him up. (He hangs up and runs to the guest room door and places his ear on it.) She'll take a few minutes to get dressed, prep herself up for this golden opportunity, and make herself irresistible for Alice, so it gives me some time. (He goes to the balcony and looks down. He comes back inside. The elevator door opens.) Mr. Hasbine, what a joy to meet you, at last!
SCENE 6
78 GREG, enters the room wearing a large suitcase
Happy to meet you Mr. Flo-Flo-Flo Flores.
Time freezes.
79 TOM, hesitant
You're going on a trip?
80 GREG
No. These are my access... my access... my accessories for transform... for transform... for transformation. My co-co, my co-co, my costumes in fact.
81 TOM, pointing at the sofa
Make yourself at ease. Can I offer you some tea or coffee perhaps, Mr Habine?
82 GREG
You can call me, me-me, no Greg. No, thank you. The ca-ca, the ca-ca, the ca-caffeine makes me stut-stut-, stutter.
83 TOM
Sounds like you started your day with a double espresso then. But I don't mind.
84 GREG
Not to worry Mr. Flo-Flo-Flores. When I'm acting I don't stut-stut-stutter. This is the reason why I brought my, my, my acces... my access... my costumes.
85 TOM
Okay. If you say so,I've no reason NOT to believe what you're saying. (Pause.) I'm expecting you to be brief and right to the point. It's a very simple mise-en-scene where you have to take me by surprise in front of witnesses, see, and run, run for your life with a bag. It's very simple, see. Staging this cannot be so difficult for someone with your vast… ah… talent. Surprise – and run!Do you think you can do it?
86 GREG
But-but-but Mr. Flo-Flo-Flores you're insulting my talentand pro-pro… pro-pro… pro-profession. This seems too easy. Har-har… har-har… har-hardly a cha-cha… a cha-cha…a character part. I'm a pro..., I'm a pro..., I'm a professional actor. And my fee-fee, my fee-fee, my fee is that of an unionized artist.
87 TOM
No problem, I will pay you in cash. But let's not count our chickens before they're hatched. For your audition you'll need your suitcase. You may use my room. (Pointing it.) Choose a costume that you see fit. Dazzle me with your talent. I want to believe that you're someone else. I give you a few minutes for your transformation as you say. Just wait for my signal to come out of the room.
88 GREG
Good id..., good id..., good idea. You won't be dis... dis... dis... ah, you'll be enchanted. (He enters the master bedroom with his suitcase.)
SCENE 7
89 SHIRLEY, coming out of the guest room, fully dressed
Well, I did as fast as I could. I thought I heard voices. Who were you talking to?
90 TOM
With the window cleaner. Today is the annual window cleaning of the building. He just came to warn me.
91 SHIRLEY
What for?
92 TOM
You'd be surprised to hear about everything those guys have seen through the windows when they're washing them. Let's just say that they're not only cleaning the main room windows but the bedrooms as well.
93 SHIRLEY
My little finger is telling that they're not at risk of seeing much action in your bedroom these days.
94 TOM
I'll pretend I didn't hear that. (He goes out on the balcony and looks down. He comes right back inside.) He already put all of his equipment in place and the scaffold is moving already – I told you!
95 SHIRLEY
He'll need the whole day just to get here.
Tom tries to bring back Shirley toward the elevator. He speaks loudly.
96 TOM
You must go, NOW!
97 SHIRLEY
I forgot my purse in the bedroom.
Shirley goes to the guest room. Greg comes out of the master bedroom, dressed as a charming lady.
98 GREG
You said now?
Tom jumps on Greg and tries to push him back to the bedroom. Shirley comes right back out with her purse.
99 SHIRLEY
Oh! I see that you've got company.
100 TOM
Yes, miss... ah... has just arrived.
101 SHIRLEY, holding out her hand to Greg
Let me introduce myself, I am Shirley. Shirley French. Despite the name, my father was Scottish. I'm Veronica's sister, you know her, don't you; she's also, quite to my dismay,Tom's wife.
102 GREG
It's a delight. I am ...
103 TOM
Alice. I present you Alice. (To Greg.) Alice, my employee, who just came to help me prepare quite the surprise for Veronica here...
104 GREG
Tom is quite a seducer, as you well know, don't you?
105 TOM, searching for words
Ahem... I wish to offer my wife a new jewel for our next wedding anniversary. And I've asked miss Alice to help me choose the one that would be the most appropriate for the occasion.
106 GREG
Tom is such a generous man. If only every woman could have a man as refined and romantic as Mr. Flores.
107 TOM
Looks like Tiffany's got some new African jewels, if I heard right.
108 SHIRLEY
My, oh, my! Maybe you're not about to declare bankruptcy after all, eh?
109 GREG
Mr. Flores is quite a man, Mrs. Shirley.
110 SHIRLEY
It's Miss Shirley. Some women can do without a man. Love has no sex. One has to look inside, go deeper inside... back to basics. Don't you agree, Miss Alice?
111 GREG
So true! Sometimes the basics are invisible to the eyes of men.
112 TOM
I wanted Alice to come here, so she could get a look at Veronica's jewels. But this has to remain between us. It's a surprise. Not a word to your sister now! (He takes Shirley by the arm.) Why don't you come back tonight if you want to? We're going to celebrate your goddaughter's admission to the MIME. (He drags her toward the elevator and pushes the button.)
113 SHIRLEY
Well, those are great news, for once! Will you be part of tonight's celebrations, Miss Alice?
114 TOM
Of course she'll be here. In the flesh! (The elevator's door opens and Tom pushes Shirley inside.) See you tonight.
115 SHIRLEY
See you tonight, Miss Alice.
116 GREG
It'll be my great pleasure to see you again Miss French. We'll get to know each other. I'm sure that we have many things in common.
117 SHIRLEY, suggestive
More than just one thing, I hope. (To Tom.) She's got a masculine "je ne sais quoi" that I like a lot.
The elevator's door closes.
SCENE 8
118 TOM
Congratulations, you got the part.
119 GREG
Good. I should bi-bi, I should bi-bi, I should bill you an extra for this part you know.
120 TOM
No problem at all, my good man. Because you've succeeded in duping my sister in-law, you've passed your audition with flying colors. But the part I need you to play for me is quite different though.
121 GREG
It's unfortunate 'cause I wasn't doing too b-b-, too -b-b, too bad with Alice.
122 TOM
Forget that part, for now; here's what I'm expecting you to do. You'll dress yourself up as a window cleaner this time.
123 GREG
Ah, what a coincidence, I have some..., some..., something that would be perfect for that in my, in my, in my suitcase.
124 TOM
Great! Great coincidence! Come here. (He drags Greg on the balcony.) You see? The window cleaner's scaffold down there? It's a wondrous mechanical system that he usesto get up here. (They come back inside.) This system is activated with a handy remote control. It's quite simple. I've seen it all on the internet. Once the window cleaner reaches the last floor – this floor- I'll invite him inside for a refreshment. That's when you show up. You steal my wife's jewels and then you go out on that system the same way he came in. And then, you go to the hotel room I've booked for you nearby – and you wait for me.
125 GREG
You, you, you want me to steal you, you, you, your wife's jewels?
126 TOM
It's only the surprise we were talking about back there; come on! It's not a real robbery.
127 GREG
But why surprise your wi-wi… wi-wi…wife this way? It's not a very good surprise, if you a-a… a-a… if you a-ask me!
128 TOM
You know, Greg, it doesn't really matter why. All you have to know at this point, is the part that you have to play. I'll pay you whatever an unionized artist of your stature demands, not to worry. (He pushes him toward the master bedroom.) If you insist, I'll explain why I'm expecting this from you, while you change clothes. Let's go.
They go into the master bedroom.
SCENE 9
The elevator's door opens. Yves enters the room. He talks on his cell phone.
129 YVES
I just got inside. The room is empty. But I can hear voices in your bedroom. (He listens at the door.) I can't hear very well. Your husband is with someone. Shirley? I'm not sure. I can hardly say. They're talking about jewels. I'm not a detective, Veronica. I can't stay here for long. Quiet! I can't hear. Oh! They're coming this way. I'll call you back. (He places his cell phone in his pant pocket. He looks for a place to hide. He goes behind the tree in the corner.)
Tom and Greg come out of the bedroom. Greg wears a one piece suit with a zipper. He is holding his suitcase.
130 GREG
Very well Mr. Flo-Flores. Tell me if I got it right. I come in and I take everyone by, by, by surprise. Then I take the bag and run to the, to the, to the, to the balcony. Then I go down on that... thing. (Sarcastic.) No, no, no, nothing else, you're sure?
Tom ponders. He takes out his cell phone, a revolver and a key from his pockets. He places the phone on the sofa. Yves can't see these objects from his hiding place.
131 TOM
You got everything right. (He shows the gun to Greg.) It's a fake. Place it in your pocket. You have nothing to worry about. When the moment's right, you show up. You ask me for the bag. I give it to you and you leave through the balcony. Only a great actor can take up this challenge and succeed. I have faith in you. After what I've seen a moment ago. … Wow! Your talent leaves no doubt: YOU can pull this off! (He hands him the folded sheet of paper and the key).All the instructions are on this piece of paper. Memorize them. This is the key to the hotel room. Keep it safe. Now, go to the guest room to learn your lines! (He points to the room. Greg goes to the bedroom reading his lines while Tom goes to the elevator. He feels his pockets.) My phone. (He searches in his pockets looking for it.) Where did I leave it? (He goes to his room.)
Yves comes out of his hiding place. He runs toward the elevator and frenetically pushes the button.
132 YVES
What are those two up to? I didn't understand a thing about their story. A bag and a hotel room? Maybe it's a surprise for the twentieth wedding anniversary that's coming soon? It sure will be a surprise for Veronica that he even remembers, for starters.
SCENE 10
Tom's cell phone rings on the sofa. One ring, two rings. Yves rushes to it to stop it and places it in his shirt pocket. The elevator's door open and Leyla appears. She mimes someone walking against strong winds. Obviously, she has no talent. Yves claps his hands.
133 YVES
Very good, Leyla. What a surprise! I was just about to leave. You know how your mother doesn't like waiting on anybody. (Yves phone rings in his pant pocket. He answers it.) Hello, Veronica? No, I ...
134 LEILA
Yves, may I?(Leyla takes the phone. Yves rushes in the elevator and the door closes immediately. Tom comes out of the bedroom.) Mother, you've got to stop using this poor man like a slavefrom morning ‘til night!
135 TOM
Leyla, my dear, what are you doing here? This is my phone! May I? (He takes the phone.) Veronica, something wrong? Everything's fine here. Leyla just passed by to say hi to her daddy and she'll be on her way shortly. By the way, you forgot to tell me that Shirley spent the night here with us. No, she's gone already. But I invited her to come back tonight. Right. So bye bye, see you later. (He hangs up and places the phone in his pant pocket. Leyla mimes her love to her father. Tom looks at her with disarray. Truly this girl has no mime talent.) Baby girl, I love you too. Is something wrong?
136 LEYLA
Oh, daddy. (She cries in his arms.)
SCENE 11
Greg comes out of the guest bedroom still dressed as a window cleaner. He holds a rope on his shoulder.
137 GREG
I'm ready.
138 TOM
Hold on, please.
139 LEYLA
It's Joel.
140 TOM
Well, well, that little geek, what has he done now?
141 GREG
Oh! (Hesitant.) Sir, everything's fine with the bedroom windows.
142 TOM
Okay then, Mr. the window cleaner, you can do as we agreed. My daughter and I have things to discuss. I believe you left your cleaning kit in the kitchen.
143 GREG
My kit?
144 TOM
Yes. (He makes gestures with his hands and points in the kitchen's direction.)
145 GREG
Ah, yes! My cleaning kit. What was I thinking ? (He laughs and goes to the kitchen.)
146 LEYLA
Daddy, Joel says I don't have any talent to be a mime.
147 TOM
What does he know about mimes? He is a chemist.To each and everyone their field of expertise! He needs to let you choose your career, may that be anything, even a mime. You're just like your mother, loaded with talents. Even if sometimes we have to dig for a while in order to find them.
148 LEYLA
Dad, do you believe I could be a good mime?
149 TOM
I believe you can become the greatest mime on earth, baby girl. If the school has damn good teachers and if that is what you really want to do. (We hear pots and pans falling on the floor, coming from the kitchen.)
Greg comes back from the kitchen with a bucket full of soapy water, a sponge and his rope.
150 GREG
I've found my kit, sir.
151 TOM
Great. Happy to hear that the search bore some fruit.
152 LEYLA
I can come back later if you want me to, daddy?
153 TOM
(To Leyla.) No need to. (To Greg.) You can start with these windows. (Pointing at the balcony.)
154 GREG
Certainly, sir.
Greg goes out to the balcony and clumsily starts washing the windows.
155 LEYLA
Did you give any thought to Joel's proposal? In regards to his researches...
Greg looks down the balcony and waves his arms, making large gestures.
156 GREG
Hey! Ho!
157 TOM
Proposal? My, you almost gave me a heart attack there. Wait one second. (Tom joins Greg on the balcony.) What are you doing?
158 GREG
I'm saying hi to my colleague down there – small world, eh?
159 TOM, giving small punches to Greg
Are you dumb or what? You want him to notice you?
160 LEYLA
Everything's okay daddy?
161 GREG
Is everything alright, Mr. Flores?
162 TOM, to Greg
Be discreet and keep on cleaning the windows. (He comes back inside. To Leila.) Yes, everything's ok, my dear. And don't you worry about Joel. Your mother and I will have a word with him tonight about your career choice.
He drags Leyla towards the kitchen.
163 LEYLA
Joel's waiting for your answer to invest in his research.
164 TOM
I'm still thinking about it. For now, I think a cup of coffee wouldn't do you any harm. I don't know what is wrong with Yves these days. He makes enough coffee for an army.
165 LEYLA
Yes. Good idea. I'll be right back.
Leyla goes to the kitchen. Tom goes over to get Greg off the balcony. He takes him by the ear all the way inside.
166 GREG
Aaaahhh...
167 TOM
Mr. Hasbine.
168 GREG
Will you stop your shenanigans already, sir. I'm Louis Lawrence, the window cleaner. I'm the best window cleaner in all of Boston. (He whispers to Tom's ear.) You're going to make it all fail Mr. Flo, Flo, Flores. (Louder.) You know, I must wait 'till my colleague comes and get me with this ... system. If you don't mind, I'll go on with my work. (He goes back on the balcony and cleans the windows. Tom follows him.)
169 TOM
It is in your interest not to make my plans fail. Be quiet and don't make yourself noticed.
Tom comes back inside. Leyla comes back from the kitchen.
170 LEYLA
You're right daddy. If I got accepted to the MIME, it must be because I have a minimum of talent. (She awkwardly tries to mime someone surrounded by walls.)
171 TOM
Listen, my dear, I'm so happy that you're getting back your confidence. Everything will be fine, you'll see. But I'm rather busy right now – we will talk later on tonight, okay?
SCENE 12
The elevator's door opens and Fred, the doorman, appears. He has a large moustache and is wearing a coat and a hat.
172 FRED
Pardon me if I haven't reached you before getting here, Mr. Flores. The intercom has not been repaired. I've tried to reach you on your cell phone. But it's Yves, your secretary, that answers all the time.
173 TOM,getting his phone out of his pocket
You're right, this isn't my phone. It's Yves. Why do we have to own the exact same phones? (Sigh. He puts back the phone in his pants pocket and turns to Leila.) How come you had Yves' phone?
174 LEYLA, opening her mouth
.....
175 FRED, interrupting
Sir, I actually came up to tell you that there is someone downstairs that wants to meet you. Can he come up?
176 TOM
Today's truly full of little surprises, isn't it?
177 FRED
His name is Phil Phillips. He says he's working for you insurance company.
178 TOM
What? Of all people to show up TODAY? All right. Never mind. Send him up. I'll take care of it. Thank you.
179 FRED
All right, sir. Have a good day. You too, Miss.
Fred pushes the elevator's button. Tom takes out his wallet from his pocket and hands out a few bills to Fred.
180 TOM
Fred, I count on you to be discreet, as usual. Beside my family members, and my personal secretary, no one else came up here this morning, okay?
181 FRED
Of course, sir. I didn't let anyone else come in here this morning.
182 TOM, to Leyla
My dear, you should go with Fred.
183 LEYLA
Why all the mystery? Are you preparing such a big surprise for mom?
184 TOM
I can't hide anything from you. Fred, you can reach me on Yves' phone if you need to.
185 FRED
Very well, sir.Have a good day.
The elevator's door opens. Fred and Leila enter the elevator.
186 LEYLA
See you tonight, sweet daddy. (She blows kisses to Tom. The elevator's door closes.)
SCENE 13
Tom goes to get Greg on the balcony. He looks down.
187 TOM
Bring all your things. You must hide right away in the guest bedroom.
188 GREG
Why?
189 TOM
The insurance estimator is coming up. He must not see you here. (Greg picks up his kit and walks toward the guest bedroom.) Don't make any noise. I'll answer his questions. I hope this will be short.
190 GREG
Are you sure I can't... I can't... I can't... I can't be of any help?
191 TOM
No. Go into the room and be quiet. (He pushes Greg into the room and closes the door.)
SCENE 14
The elevator's door opens. Phil Philips enters the room holding a briefcase. He is wearing a suit and a tie and looks very stern.
192 TOM
Good morning, sir?
193 PHIL
Phil Phillips, insurance estimator.
194 TOM
Nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips.
195 PHIL
Call me Phil, please.
196 TOM
Phil Philips what an amusing name? What brings you to the largest needle and knitting manufacturer in the world?
197 PHIL
You've got quite a view from up here, Mr. Flores. A penthouse like this must be worth a fortune, is it not?
198 TOM
You're showing interest in real estate business?
199 PHIL
There are rumors in town, saying that Flores industries aren't what they used to be. Seems like your exportations have greatly diminished. China is probably the cause. They're copying anything that can be copied for a fraction of the salaries you pay here. Impossible to compete with them. If only I had your revenues though. The things I could do with them.
200 TOM
You're coming to my home to gossip? These are the same stories I hear since I started business. They're made up by those who are jealous of my success.
201 PHIL, searching for a sheet of paper in his briefcase
Good. I didn't come here to complain about my situation. Nor am I one to indulge in idle gossip, sir. I'm sure you've got enough of your own employee's recriminations. So, if you allow me, I'd like to go right to the point, sir. A man of your stature must place great value in the manner that he spent his time, I imagine. I've got here a series of questions that I need to ask before we can renew your insurance contract for personal goods and luxury items.
202 TOM
Go on and proceed with the question period then, please. The faster we're finished with these formalities, the faster I can take care of more urgent matters. Too bad, Yves, my personal secretary cannot handle this for me today.
SCENE 15
Greg comes out of the guest bedroom. He is casually dressed. He holds a calculator in his hands.
203 GREG
Hold on! Hold on! Excuse me for being late, gentlemen. I am Yves, Mr. Flores personal assistant. (He hands out a limp hand to Phil, looking at Tom.)
204 PHIL
Yves?
205 TOM
Ah...yes... This is Yves... Asshead, my loyal secretary. An invaluable asset to Flores Industries indeed.
206 PHIL
Mr. Asshead, nice to meet you. Phil Phillips, insurance estimator.
207 GREG
I was busy doing important calculationsabout certain transformations that needed to be done, uh, back there. Can I get you something to drink, Phil?
208 PHIL
No, thank you.I am fine. May we proceed with the task at hand already?
209 GREG
I see that everything is number one for you. ( He continues his imaginary calculations on his machine.) I suppose you have very specific questions to ask, then? If this can accelerate the process, I must tell you that everything is number one for us as well . And that is why F.I. is number one in its field! But you have to be brief, 'cause we're always working here, always thinking ahead! And THAT is why WE'RE NUMBER ONE!
210 TOM, somehow less than impressed
Yves, I don't think your presence is really requested at the moment.
211 GREG
Tut, tut, tut, Mr. Flores. This is part of the task for which you pay me very well thank you, sir.
Yves phone rings in Tom's pocket. He answers.
212 TOM
Hello. Veronica? (He places his hand on the phone..) Will you excuse me for a moment? Start without me. I'll be back in a sec. (He goes into the kitchen.) Veronica, I'm busy right now with the insurance estimator making a SURPRISE visit.
213 PHIL
Mr. Asshead, I have a few questions, here, that I need to ask.
214 GREG
I prefer you call me Yves. Put yourself at ease and fire away!
215 PHIL,sitting down on the sofa and reading his paper
These are part of our brand-new evaluation methods. On a scale of one to ten, one being don't agree at all, and ten being, extremely agree with, you can use any number from one to ten to answer. First question: Would you say that Mr. Flores has taken all necessary actions to secure his personal and luxury items?
216 GREG, not really listening and making his imaginary calculations
Number one, number one.
217 PHIL, taking notes
Very well. Still using the same scale from one to ten. One being, don't agree at all and ten being, extremely agree with. You can use any number from one to ten to answer. Once again, feel at ease to go with anything else, really. Do you believe that, in case of a robbery, an accident, a breaking or any unfortunate loss of any of his luxury items, Mr. Flores would be admissible to a refund of the objects concerned, may they be robbed, broken or somehow lost?
218 GREG
Number one. I'm telling you. Number one!
219 PHIL
Really? Fascinating. And what are the probabilities, you think, that Mr. Flores WON'T make any claim at all for a robbery, an accident of any kind or a loss for the year coming? Still on a scale of one to ten, this time one being very unlikely and ten being very likely.
220 GREG
Number ONE!
Tom comes back from the kitchen.
221 PHIL
I've heard enough as it is. I'm leaving.
222 GREG
But you just got here.
223 TOM
Already? Weren't you supposed to ask me a whole lot of questions?
224 PHIL
I am done asking them. Your personal assistant has answered every crucial question I had. Therefore, I've collected all the information I needed. I don't require more than that. You'll hear from us, Mr. Flores. (Turns to leave, goes back towards Tom.)A word of advice, though, before I leave you today: in your place, I would be extremely careful. You don't want to take unnecessary risks. However, as we say often in our business, to each their own peace of mind – at whatever cost it shall be! (He goes to the elevator and pushes the button.)
225 GREG
I've reassured Phil, sir. You can concentrate on more urgent matters now. Number one, sir, NUMBER ONE!
226 TOM
Ah... yes...good. But aren't there any papers for me to sign before you leave?
The elevator's door opens and Phil walks in.
227 PHIL
It won't be necessary. You'll receive a letter from our part. Goodbye and good luck Mr. Flores.
The elevator's door closes.
SCENE 16
228 GREG
Good, one thing less to... to... to...to worry about.
229 TOM
What did I say to you?
230 GREG
While I'm here, I might as... I might as... I might as well help you the best I... the best I... the best I can.
Tom goes out on the balcony and looks down. He comes right back in. Greg sits down on the sofa.
231 TOM
He is still far away. What are you doing?
232 GREG
I'm taking my 10 o... my 10 o... my 10 o'clock break. Is this your wife who called you a minute, a minute, a minute ago?
233 TOM
Yes, looks like Shirley might have had a talk with her. She thinks I want to get her a new jewel for her bottomless collection. But you, you can't stay dressed like this. Put back your window cleaner clothes.
234 GREG
Don't worry for my fee-fee, my fee-fee, my fee, sir. It's been a while, since I, since I, since I had fun like this.
SCENE 17
The elevator's door opens. Joel appears.
235 JOEL
Pardon me for this intrusion, Mr. Flores.
236 TOM
Joel! How did you get Fred's authorisation to come up here?
237 JOEL
Don't be too harsh on him, please. I've asked him not to call you. I told him it was a question of life or death.
238 TOM
This must be a really important matter, then. It's not your style, as a pragmatic, mild-mannered scientist to act this way and simply barge in on people, unannounced.
239 JOEL
I see you have company. I don't want to be of any inconvenience for you.
240 GREG, getting up
But you are not, I assure you. May I present myself, I'm Phil Philips, insurance estimator.
241 TOM
Phil, now... don't' you think, you're doing too much?
242 JOEL
I can wait downstairs until you're finished, you know.
243 TOM
No, it won't be necessary. Phil, was just about to go back in the kitchen where all of our working documents are. And all the caffeine we desperately need, too! I sense a headache coming on.
244 GREG
I was? Oh, sure, I was. The working documents. Where I left them. Yes. Absolutely our NUMBER ONE priority today!I'm on it.
245 TOM
That's right!I know damn well that you're on it, Phil. Start filling those forms without me. I'll be right with you.YOU are my NUMBER ONE priority today!
246 GREG, walking toward the kitchen
Don't worry about me, sir! As you say it: I'm number one. Couldn't be any better! Take your time. I've got many, Lord, so many forms to fill! Caffeine! Now! (He enters the kitchen.)
SCENE 18
247 JOEL
Mr. Flores, I'm sorry if I didn't call you before getting up here. I was simply wondering if you came to a conclusion about the proposition I made you to invest in my research? Time is pressing for me.
248 TOM
Is it so urgent? Isn't it the government that finances your research?
249 JOEL
Well, actually… The government, sir, has cut us down on all of our research programs. And that bites because the timing is so terrible indeed: I'm getting so close to my goal.
250 TOM
Joel, tell me now: where are you at exactly, in your findings or whatever they are again?
251 JOEL
Well, in short, the carbon monoxide increase these last few years has had disastrous effects on the environment and the earth's climate.
252 TOM
Yeah, so?
253 JOEL
Through new chemical components of my own, that only I know the exact recipe of, I came to be able to transform some of its gases into solid matter, and it is all 100% reusable!
254 TOM
That's alchemy alright. And?
255 JOEL
And? Are you kidding me? The applications are tremendous and immeasurable. Imagine I can duplicate almost any small objects with these new molecules.
256 TOM
Any small object?Now this is seriously interesting. Tell me more.
257 JOEL
Certainly! I only encounter more difficulty with certain smaller particles, unstable matter like grains of sand or anything that is made of paste, such as paper. I don't know why, yet. One day, I'll have it figured out. I hope! Because… De facto, that makes the reproduction of money paper impossible.
258 TOM
Now that's unfortunate. But the Central Bank will always have the monopoly on that one, anyways. And for the rest?
259 JOEL
Oh, no problems there! One could say I can reproduce almost any desired small object. I came to build a prototype with success. But I do need more capital to pursue my research and my tests.
260 TOM
I want to take you on your word, Joel. I really do! But can you do a test for me, first? Before I invest in your findings I need a minimum of… irrefutable, hardcore evidence.
261 JOEL
Of course. I'd be only too happy to provide it!
262 TOM
Wait for me, just a sec. (Tom goes into his room. He comes right back with a small velvet bag.) Joel, you are my future son-in-law. If I cannot trust you, I cannot trust anybody. Here is something I'd like you to have a look at. Here are Veronica's jewels.
263 JOEL
All of her jewels?
264 TOM
Yes. All of them. They're worth a fortune. My wife's doesn't wear anything cheap you know, much to my dismay.
265 JOEL
Mr. Flores, this is so unexpected. But I cannot accept your wife's jewels to finance my research!
266 TOM
Ah, but this not to finance your research, young man, but for duplication! Do your tests with this – test away! And come back when you've duplicated them all; as quick as possible! And I promise you, Joel… son… if you can reproduce each and every single one of the jewels in this bag, I'll finance 100% of your work.
267 JOEL
Really? But... What will your wife say when she founds out her jewels have disappeared?
268 TOM
Oh… Nothing much, surely…They would have disappeared anyway.
269 JOEL
What?
270 TOM
How much time will the duplication process take? Tell me.
271 JOEL
Fortunately, I've got plenty of raw material to work with. It depends on how many objects, their density and the desired degree of likeness.
272 TOM
What desired degree of likeness?
273 JOEL
Well, it's possible to accelerate the duplication process by diminishing the quality of the duplicated object that will come out at the other end of said process.
274 TOM
It comes out the other way in various degrees of quality, eh? Joel… For me, to invest a single penny in your work, I need the utmost degree of likeness. If anyone can see the difference just by looking at it, it will quite simply not cut it.
275 JOEL
Okay, I got it, sir. (He looks into the bag.) Diamonds, emeralds, rubies, pearls. All high density. Give me a few hours.
276 TOM
Only a few hours? That is PERFECT! We're having a party tonight for Leyla. This has to be done by then. I've got to put this bag that you're holding in your hands right now back in place before Veronica finds out any of this. So hurry up then and don't disappoint me… son!
Joel goes to the elevator and pushes the button.
277 JOEL
I shall not! I promise! I should go back to my laboratory then. (The elevator's door opens and he goes inside.) See you tonight, Mr. Flores... dad!
278 TOM
You're holding my family's jewels, there. Remember that. Be careful. Not a word to anyone, not even to Leyla.
279 JOEL, enthusiastically, almost yelling from inside the elevator
Nothing to worry about, sir. You can trust me. Mum's the word.
The elevator's door closes.
SCENE 19
280 TOM
Good news, at last!
281 GREG,coming out of the kitchen
Are you all by yourself again, finally?
282 TOM
Yes. Come here. We're going to rehearse our scene. Did you learn your lines?
283 GREG
Yes.
284 TOM
Very well. Let's suppose I just invited the window cleaner inside, for some thirst-quenching refreshment.
285 GREG
What is his name?
286 TOM
I don't know. It's not important, really.
287 GREG
If his name could be Louis, just like... just like... just like me.
288 TOM
His name doesn't matter. I'm telling you. So, let's say he's in the kitchen.
289 GREG
Yes, but the name helps me establish my... my...my... my character's rapport... towards him!
290 TOM
Then call him Louis already! So, where was he? Ah yes, he's in the kitchen! And I'm right here. You'll be hiding in the guest bedroom. And when the window cleaner is in the kitchen...
291 GREG
How will I know that... that... that he's in the kit... the kit... the kitchen?
292 TOM
I'll knock three times on your door.How's that?
293 GREG
It's o-o-o-okay!
294 TOM, gets the chair and places it in the middle of the room
It's the signal for you to come out of the room and tie me on this chair.
295 GREG
With my utility rope.
296 TOM
Right. Just tie my hands behind the back of the chair. That should do it. (Greg goes into the guest bedroom. Tom sits down on the chair facing the public. Greg comes back with the rope.)Let's rehearse that part, make sure we have it all figured out. Go ahead, tie me up.
297 GREG, ties Tom's hands behind the chair
Voilà. Is it, too-too, too-too, too tied?
298 TOM
No, not at all. It's fine, actually. Feel free to tie me up again just like this later on, when we are doing it for real, okay? So, let us recapitulate: while the window cleaner is in the kitchen having a nice refreshing lemonade, you come out of the room and tie me exactly this way, on this chair, on this very spot.
299 GREG
I see.
300 TOM
Then, he comes out, and you say your lines.
301 GREG
Yes.
302 TOM
With your gun. Don't forget your gun.
303 GREG, taking out his gun from his pocket and pointing it at Tom
Yes. Props are ess…ess…essssssential! Like this? Hands, hands, hands, hands up!
304 TOM
How do you want me to raise my hands in this position, huh? You don't say that to me. And you don't point the gun at me. I'm already tied up to the chair.
305 GREG
Oh! Its the... the wind... the wind... the wind... the window cleaner I'm talking to then.
306 TOM
Exactly.Talk to the wind! Ah… I mean, the window cleaner!You take aim at him. And you say your lines. But wait a second. Aren't you supposed not to stutter when you're acting?
307 GREG
Not when I r... not when I r... not when I r... not when I rehearse.So sorry.
308 TOM
It's ok. Let's move on.
309 GREG
Hands up! But, but, but I've got a question to ask. How will the wind... the wind... the wind... the window-cleaner ... know the script?
310 TOM
Nothing to worry about there. He doesn't need to know the script. With a gun pointed at him, he won't be talking much, believe me. Go on. Rehearse away!
311 GREG
Don't move. Go place yourself there beside Mr. Flo... Mr. Flo... Mr. Flo... Mr. Flores.
312 TOM
These are not your lines. If at first you tell him not to move, he won't come beside me at all.
313 GREG
Oh. So-so… So-sooooooo… So-sorry!(He takes out his folded sheet of paper, reads it and puts it back in his pocket.) Don't make any sudden move. Ah, ha! Now, go place yogurt, go place you...your, go place YOURSELF, yes...right there...beside Mr. Flo... Mr. Flo... Mr. Flo... (Sigh.) Mr. Flores.
314 TOM
Good, yes, finally… So now, let's say he is standing right here beside me already.
315 GREG
Okay. Then, I take ana… ana… another rope, to-to… to-to… to tie him up too?
Tom's cell phone rings.
316 TOM
Argh, the phone again. Hurry, take it out of my pocket.
317 GREG
Yes.
318 TOM
This could be my wife or... worse still! (Greg tries to reach the phone in Tom's pants.) Ouch! Careful, dammit - does this seem like a phone to you?
319 GREG, taking out his hand
Oh, pardon me!
320 TOM
I didn't expect to become so intimate with you, so fast! My phone is in the other pocket – try and be gentle, this time!
321 GREG
Yes, yes. (Greg, finally gets out Tom's phone. He activates the call.)
322 TOM
Place it on my ear.(Greg places the phone on Tom's ear.) Tom Flores speaking. Fred! What? No, it's ok. Yes, thank you. You can hang up, Greg.
323 GREG ,hangs up and put the phone in Tom's shirt pocket
What is it?
324 TOM
Hurry up! Untie me! My sister in law, Shirley, is on her way up. (Greg tries to untie Tom's hands. Both of them panic.) Hurry up! She mustn't see me this way.
325 GREG
I can't... I can't... I can't... I can't do it. I just can't. I forgot how I did the knot-knot.
326 TOM
We won't have enough time. Cover my shoulders with the blanket on the sofa. Hurry!
Greg gets the blanket on the sofa. He covers Tom's shoulders. He bends down under the blanket behind the chair. The elevator's door opens.
SCENE 20
Shirley comes out of the elevator. She is distraught.
327 SHIRLEY
Tom? TOM! (She sees him and comes beside him.)
328 TOM
Shirley. How delightful to see you again, so SOON!
329 SHIRLEY
Listen to me. I've got something troubling to tell you. But, what are you doing on this chair covered with a blanket? Are you feeling all right?
330 TOM
Shirley, I'm the one who has something, ah… extremely important to admit to you.
331 SHIRLEY, sitting down on the sofa
You sound so serious. Is it that bad?
332 TOM
I haven't been totally honest with you this morning.
333 SHIRLEY
How's that?
334 TOM
I'm having remorse since you left earlier. I needed to sit down to think about it. I've covered myself with this blanket 'cause I'm getting goose bumps about it. I think I may be feverish.
335 SHIRLEY
You're scaring me. It's going to be all right. Let me bring you a nice hot cup of coffee. Unless you prefer something stronger?
336 TOM
No. Coffee is a great idea. Brrr, I'm so cold.
337 SHIRLEY
I'll be right back. Don't move from there.
338 TOM
I don't think I can, even if I wanted to, dear. (Shirley goes into the kitchen. Greg's head comes out of the blanket.) Can you untie the knot now?
339 GREG
But... but... but...I don't see a thing.
340 TOM
Good god, try once more. I can't stay here the whole day. I've asked you to tie my hands not to weld me to this chair.
341 GREG
I've learned to make knots with the scouts, Mr. Flo-Flo… Flo-Flo… Flores! Not to un-un… not to un-un… not to undo them!
342 TOM
Remind me to write a formal letter of complaint to Baden Powell's estate when this is over. Try again! (Greg goes back under the blanket.) Now I have to tell her that she doesn't stand a chance with Alice.
Shirley arrives with a dessert cart holding two cups of coffee in their saucers, a sugar bowl, a cream pot, two spoons and a basket of croissants. She places herself beside Tom.
343 SHIRLEY
Here we are. You'll see, you'll feel much better after a hot cup of coffee. I'm sure of it. (Shirley hands a cup of coffee with a saucer to Tom.) There you go.
Time freezes. Greg gets an arm out of the blanket and clumsily takes the cup. In the next scene, Tom's face worries about Greg's arms movements
344 TOM
Thank ... you... so much... Shirley.
345 SHIRLEY, handing the sugar bowl to Tom
Sugar?
Time freezes again. Another arm comes from under the blanket. It tries to take the tongs from the sugar bowl. Tom yells.
346 TOM
Ah! Ah! Shoot! It's hot! It's so hot!(Greg get a hold of the thongs and tries to take a sugar cube.) To the right. To the left. There we go.
347 SHIRLEY
What?
348 TOM
I was just thinking... Life's like politics. Right or left, it's all the same.
Greg catches a sugar cube and tries to place it in the cup. Some coffee gets on Tom's pants.
349 TOM
Careful! Ah, it's hot!
350 SHIRLEY
Are you sure you're okay?
351 TOM
Yes, yes. I'm just a little bit disturbed... by... things...you know.
Shirley puts back the sugar bowl and hands out the cream pot to Tom.
352 SHIRLEY
Cream?
353 TOM
No, thank you. (Greg gets a hold of the cream pot and tries to pour some in Tom's cup.) To think of it, just a cloud maybe. (Greg clumsily pours a whole lot of cream in Tom's cup.) Excuse me. I'm not totally myself today.
Shirley takes back the cream pot. Greg uses the spoon in the saucer to stir much too strongly. For a long moment. Tom yells.
354 TOM
Enough! Excuse me. I can't hide the truth anymore.
355 SHIRLEY
I know everything, . You can confide in me. (She hands out the basket of croissants to Tom.) A croissant?
356 TOM
No, thank you.
Greg's hand reaches for a croissant. He dunks it in the coffee and approaches it to Tom's mouth who refuses to open it. Tom shakes his head right and left. Greg hits Tom's head with the croissant. Tom finallyagree to take a bite.
357 SHIRLEY
Are you sure you're okay? Do you want me to call a doctor?
358 TOM
No, please don't. Everything's fine. I just feel like my head can't control my arms anymore. It's a bit like there was a stranger within me. Oh, I need to wipe my face. Can you hand me a napkin, please?
359 SHIRLEY
Of course. There it is.
Shirley hands out a napkin to Tom. But Greg's hands are full with a cup and a croissant.
360 TOM
Thanks. (Louder.) I'm going to place my croissant in my coffee and take the napkin that you're handing me NOW! Thank you very much Shirley! (Greg places the croissant in the cup. He takes the napkin and clumsily wipes Tom's face. He pinches Tom's nose that blows in the napkin). Oh, that feels good. (Greg places the napkin on Tom's knee. He wipes the back of his hand on Tom's forehead.) It's hot!
361 SHIRLEY
Let me get rid of the blanket.
362 TOM
No! No! It's cold. (Greg takes back the croissant. He gives another coffee-ducked croissant bit to Tom who, reluctantly, plays the game.) Hum, so good. (Greg brings the cup to Tom's mouth who drink from it with a smirk on his face.)
363 SHIRLEY
I know how you must feel, Tom. Despite our disagreements, I must say, I'm on your side this time.
364 TOM
It's good to hear that, Shirley.
365 SHIRLEY
I understand now, why you and Veronica...
366 TOM
What about me and Veronica?
367 SHIRLEY
I saw them.
368 TOM
Who?
369 SHIRLEY
Veronica and her lover.
370 TOM
But what are you talking about?
371 SHIRLEY
I caught them at the spa earlier. They were kissing.
372 TOM
What are you saying? Can you get rid of this for me? (He points his cup and croissant with his head. Shirley tries to take the cup and croissant from Greg's hands but he resists. She insists and pulls harder.) Let go!(Shirley stops pulling.) No, not you. I'm talking to my body. Go on, try again.
Shirley gets up, takes the cup and what's left of the croissant and places them on the dessert cart.
373 SHIRLEY
I understand that you're not… in your normal state. I was in a state of shock myself when the woman of my life dumped me. I know exactly how you feel. Tom – it was AWFUL! (While she talks, Greg's hands move a lot. He scratches Tom's head, takes ridiculous poses etc.) It was sheer despair, Tom – SHEER DESPAIR! I felt so rejected; I wept oceans. But, this isn't about me today. It's about YOU. And I will do everything in my power to help you overcome this ordeal – I swear this to you! (She takes the dessert cart.) Let me get rid of all of this. Don't move. I'll be right back.
374 TOM
Don't worry. Even If I wanted to, I can't move a finger.Despair has got me by the… oh, never mind.
Shirley goes to the kitchen.
SCENE 21
375 TOM
Get out of there, triple idiot! (Greg's head comes out of the blanket.) Hurry up and go to my room. You'll find a pocket knife in my night table's drawer.
376 GREG,getting up
On which side of the be-bed, do-do-do you sleep on?
377 TOM
On the left side. Hurry! (Greg runs to the bedroom.) Ah, shoot! Please God, let him come back before she does. I'll go to church every Sunday from this day onward. I promise.
Shirley opens the kitchen door and gets her head out.
378 SHIRLEY
Are you okay?
379 TOM
Oh yes! In deep, deep despair but okay!
380 SHIRLEY
I'm filling up the dishwasher. I won't be long.
She gets back inside the kitchen. Greg comes back from the bedroom with a pocket knife.
381 GREG
I got it.
382 TOM
Great. Hurry up! Cut the rope. Perfect. (Greg gets back under the blanket.) Be careful not to hurt me if you can't see a thing underneath there. (Yelling.) Aaaah!
Tom gets his two arms out of the blanket. He is bleeding on one wrist.
383 GREG
I'm sorry. I didn't... I didn't... I didn't mean to.
Greg runs back to hide in the guest bedroom. The very next second, Shirley runs out of the kitchen.
384 SHIRLEY
What's going on?(She runs toward Tom who holds his bleeding wrist with the other hand.) For the love of God, Tom, what have you done?
385 TOM
It's nothing.
386 SHIRLEY
How could you?Even I didn't think of ending my life over… her! (Greg comes out of the guest bedroom wearing a mustache, a jacket and a hat. Shirley doesn't notice him right away.)What did you cut yourself with?
387 GREG, showing the knife
With this pocket knife, madam.
388 TOM
I'm telling you, this is nothing at all.
389 GREG
Let me have a look.(Greg examines Tom's wrist.)He's right. It's just a scrap. Let me introduce myself, madam, I'm doctor Welby, Marcos Welby.
390 SHIRLEY
Doctor Welby, I didn't hear you come in. But your expertise sure is needed right now. I'm Shirley French, Tom's sister-in-law.
391 GREG
Nothing to worry about, Mrs. French. Sir, we need to take care of your wrist now. Where do you keep your first aid kit?
392 SHIRLEY, to Tom
I don't understand why you had to do this?
393 TOM, to Greg
We've got one in every bathroom.
394 SHIRLEY, helping Tom get up; she brings his right arm over her shoulders
Let me help you.
395 GREG
It won't be necessary, madam. Thank you, but I'm taking care of him. We'll use the bathroom in this bedroom.. (Pointing to the guest bedroom.) You'll have to excuse us for now. I'll put a bandage on him. He needs to rest.
They both walk toward the guest bedroom.
396 SHIRLEY
I think, he needs a downer as well. He must not try this again.
397 GREG
Don't worry. He's in goodcapable and extremely… ah… handy hands?
398 TOM
Yes, I am. We both KNOW that!Thank you, doctor.
They both enter the guest bedroom.
SCENE 22
399 SHIRLEY
Poor man. Maybe, I shouldn't have told him about Veronica and her lover. I didn't think he was so fragile or that he loved her that much. (She picks up the blanket, folds it and places it back on the sofa. She also puts the chair back in place.) Learning that your wife,whom you cherish more than anything else in the whole wide world, has no qualms whatsoever about kissing your own secretary, in a public place, without a care for his reputation or his feelings... Poor man. He didn't deserve this! (She cries a little bit.)
The elevator's door opens and Lester enters the room.
400 LESTER
Good morning, madam. Is this Mr. and Mrs. Flores home?
401 SHIRLEY
Yes. Who are you?
402 LESTER
My name is Lester, madam. Fred asked me to come up. I came to repair the intercom
403 SHIRLEY
Right! Mr. Flores is taking a nap for now and madam is out. I'm from the family.
404 LESTER
I can come back at a better moment if you wish to?
405 SHIRLEY
No, no. I know the broken intercom is a major hassle. Repair it, but just be quiet. You will not be bother us in the least though, I'm sure.
406 LESTER
Alright. I'll see what I can do and I'll do it.
Lester sets himself up in front of the intercom. He takes a screwdriver from his toolbox and starts working. Shirley places her ear on the guest bedroom door. She looks back at Lester.
407 SHIRLEY
How much time will it take?
408 LESTER
I don't know. If it's just a bad connection, it won't be that long at all
409 SHIRLEY
Can I get you something to drink, Mr. Lester?
410 LESTER
I'm fine, thanks.
411 SHIRLEY
Let me know if you need something. I'll be in the kitchen.
412 LESTER
No problemo.
Shirley goes straight to the kitchen. Figuratively speaking!
SCENE 23
Greg comes out of the room all dressed-up as Alice.
413 GREG
Hello.
414 LESTER
Good morning madam.
415 GREG
Miss. But you can call me Alice, please.
416 LESTER
You're not Mrs. Flores?
417 GREG
Oh no. I'm not the lucky one. I'm one of his employees.
418 LESTER
Okay. I'm Lester. Looks like your employer's a very demanding man.
419 GREG
Yes, he can be sometimes. Let's just say he's a bit stressed out with all of his plans.
420 LESTER
What would those plans be all about?
421 GREG, realizing he may be talking too much
His plans, his plans, well, yeah... his new plant's plans.
422 LESTER
I thought his business wasn't doing too good.
423 GREG
Who said so?
424 LESTER
Everybody. People talk.
425 GREG
And what else are they saying?
426 LESTER
Well, I don't know if I should tell you.
427 GREG, flirting with Lester
Why not. It'll stay between you and me. You can trust me.
428 LESTER
It seems he's never going out with his wife. People are asking questions.
429 GREG
Oh! Some people arejust too much! And way too curious for their own good.
430 LESTER
They also say she's a (spelling) b-i-t-c-h.
431 GREG
What?
432 LESTER
She leads him by the nose.
433 GREG
People are exaggerating now. You mustn't believe everything you hear, you know. Excuse me. (Greg goes into the master bedroom. He comes right back out with a small blue box.)
434 LESTER
You're saying Mr. Flores is resting in one of those bedrooms?
435 GREG
Yes, he's with the doctor.
436 LESTER
He's sick?
437 GREG
Let's just say he's totally spent. He's got too much on his mind. But I'll take my leave now and let you finish your job.
438 LESTER
Very well, miss. As you wish.
SCENE 24
Shirley comes back from the kitchen.
439 SHIRLEY
Alice?
440 GREG
Shirley! So nice to see you again.
441 SHIRLEY
All the pleasure's mine. What a surprise! I thought you left.
442 GREG
Yes, yes. I left. But I just came back. Mr. Flores called me.
443 SHIRLEY
Before falling asleep?
444 GREG
Yes. I brought him the jewel I bought for his wife.
445 SHIRLEY
Oh, that's too bad. I hope you can get a refund for that.
446 GREG
Why?
447 SHIRLEY, taking Greg aside
After what just happened, I don't think he'll need it.
448 GREG
What? What happened?
449 SHIRLEY
Tom tried to cut his veins. He's got marital issues.
450 GREG
No. I can't believe. Where is he?
451 SHIRLEY
He's taking a nap in the guestroom. (Pointing the guest bedroom.) His doctor's with him. He gave him a sedative.
452 GREG
Could I leave the box on the night table? He'll decide what he wants to do with it when he wakes up.
453 SHIRLEY
Can I take a look? (Reaching for the box.)
454 GREG
Under the circumstances, I don't think it would be appropriate.
455 SHIRLEY
You're right. Go on.
456 LESTER
Aaaah! I've found what's wrong.
Shirley walks toward Lester. Greg goes into the guest bedroom.
SCENE 25
457 SHIRLEY
So, what is it?
458 LESTER
Simply a bad contact. The system wasn't properly installed. See these two wires?
459 SHIRLEY
Yes.
460 LESTER
They should'nt touch. I wonder what idiot installed this system?
461 SHIRLEY
It doesn't matter who the idiot is. Just fix it.
462 LESTER
Oh but I'm done, madam. I just need to put the screws back on. (He pushes a button.) One, two, one two, testing.
We hear Fred's voice on the intercom.
463 FRED
Yes?
464 LESTER
Do you hear me fine, Fred?
465 FRED
Very well.
466 LESTER
Ten four. My work is done. I'm on my way as soon as I'm finished with the screws, madam.
467 SHIRLEY
Good job. Thank you. You know the way out. Goodbye now!
Lester finishes his job. Shirley goes into the master bedroom. Lester pushes the intercom's button.
468 LESTER
Fred?
469 FRED
Yes, sir.
470 LESTER
There are four people inside the penthouse.
471 FRED
What?
472 LESTER
You told me there were only three.
473 FRED
There are Mr. Flores, Miss French and Mr. Hasbine.Count them: Three!
474 LESTER
What? There's a fifth person then? I've met Miss French but there's also a Miss Alice up here and I know Mr. Flores is with his doctor in the bedroom. But I haven't seen any Mr. Hasbine.
475 FRED
What are you talking about? I didn't let any doctor in, nor any ‘Miss Alice'? Things are getting complicated here – and very weird!
Shirley comes back from the master bedroom.
476 SHIRLEY
You're still here?
477 LESTER
Oh, I'm done, madam. I'm leaving now.
SCENE 26
Tom gets out of the bedroom with a bandage on his wrist. Greg follows him, still dressed as the doctor. The intercom beeps. Shirley answers.
478 SHIRLEY
Yes?
We hear Fred's voice.
479 FRED
Miss French?
480 SHIRLEY
Yes.
481 FRED
Mr. Joel's here, he's asking permission to come up.
482 TOM
Let him in.
483 SHIRLEY
Tom. You're in no condition...
484 TOM
My doctor gave me the okay. I'm feeling much better.
485 GREG
This isn't what I said. (Tom gives him an assassin look.) Thinking about it, yes. It's a miracle. I used a super fast and efficient antidepressant.
486 TOM
Thank you so much for your help and support Shirley. But, I'm fine now. I need to talk in private with Joel.
487 SHIRLEY
You think you're in a state to talk?
488 TOM
I don't have a choice. Joel needs me. I'll see you tonight. Thanks for everything.
SCENE 27
The elevator door opens and Joel enters the room.
489 JOEL
Hi, everyone.
490 SHIRLEY
Hi, Joel. Spare him. He's not in his normal state.
Shirley enters the elevator. She is followed by Lester.
491 LESTER
Goodbye.
The elevator's door closes.
492 TOM
Tell me, do you have any good news for me?
493 JOEL, looking at Greg
I don't think we've been introduced.
494 TOM
True. Meet my doctor, Marcos Welby. Here's my future son-in -law, doc, his name is Joel Christmas.
Joel and Greg shake hands.
495 GREG
Nice to meet you, Mr. Christmas.
496 TOM
So do we have a reason to be merry, Christmas?
497 JOEL
You have no idea how many times I've heard that one. (Joel feels his jacket's pockets.) Let's just say that Santa Claus has been very generous this year.
498 GREG
He must be treating you like family. (Laughs.)
499 TOM
Great. Come with me. (To Greg.) Will you excuse us for a moment, doctor? (Smiling and taking Joel by the shoulders.) There's something I need to check with my future son-in-law AND new associate. Have a seat. We'll be right back.
Tom and Joel enter the master bedroom. Greg sits down on the sofa. Someone appears on the balcony. First the head, then the rest of the body. He is using the mechanical system to get up. He jumps on the balcony. He is dressed as a window cleaner. He walks softly behind Greg. He gets close to his head and taking a gun from his pocket, he points it at Greg's head.
500 ROB
Not a move or I'll shoot. Where are the jewels?
501 GREG
A thief! A thief!
Black. Intermission.
You can order the full script at:
http://offthewallplays.com/2014/10/18/lofty-larceny-two-act-french-farce/