Connectez-vous pour commenter
The Pink Pearl
Bruno Lacroix
A vegetarian opens a restaurant to seduce a culinary critic. Of course nothing goes according to his plans.
Copyright© 2014 by Bruno Lacroix
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that
The Pink Pearl
is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright
Union. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion
picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting,
television and the rights of translation into foreign languages
are strictly reserved. The right to photocopy scripts or videotape
performances can be granted only by the author. In some cases,
the author may choose to allow this, provided permission has
been requested prior to the production. No alterations, deletions
or substitutions may be made to the work without the
written permission of the author.
All publicity material must contain the author's name,
as the sole author of the work.
By producing this play you give the author
the right to use any publicity material
including pictures, programs and posters generated
from the production.
For the rights to stage, adapt or translate The Pink Pearl, you must communicate with the author. This play is registered under its original French version's name La Perle Rose and that registration is valid for all versions.
mailto:brunolacroix@bell.net
Telephone : 819 362 -2751
Skype : brunolacroix1
Adresse : 1554 avenue Saint-Nazaire
Plessisville (Québec) G6L 2H9
CANADA
http://www.brunolacroix.webnode.fr
List of characters by order of appearance
The age of the characters (except for Saoirse) can vary from 10 to 15 years.
HUBERT: From 35 to 50 years old, owner of the building. Jack of all trades. Separated and solitary. Simple and helpful.
ANTOINE:From 40to 55 years old, single and vegetarian. He loves animals and has a phobia about germs and bacteria.
SAOIRSE: (pronunciation SEER-SHA or SAYR-SHA) 76 years old, but does not look her age. Very cheerful, lively, and straightforward. Despite her tyrannical look, she treats everyone like gold. She lives her life with passion. She is looing for the son she never had.
VICTOR: From 40 to 55 years old, single and unemployed. Antoine's best friend. He is resourceful, funny, smart, curious and direct.
LISA FOLK: From 30 to 55 years old, famous Asian food critic. Speaks with a strong accent. Can't pronounce the "r". Always wears big sunglasses and accessories. Her costume has a fake bum
This comedy can be more spirited if the same actress plays both female characters, but it is not essential.
This play is written in informal and colloquial English. It is written to suit an american audience. It can be adapted to suit any other country.
ACT 1
Scene 1
The setting represents premises for rent that are almost empty. Facing the stage to the very left there is a bar and then a reinforced arch showing two doors facing each other: the men's room and the ladies' room. To the right of the arch we can see two small tables and four chairs piled up in the corner. At the far end to the center left there is a big window covered with paper. At the centre there is a glass entrance door that looks onto the street; that window is also covered with paper. At the center right, there is another big window covered with paper. In the right corner, there are two other small tables with four chairs. Than on the right there are two doors: the kitchen and the office. The kitchen door is a swing type door with a porthole window. The walls in the room are bare except for a clock at the center that reads 10:15. The entrance door opens; Hubert and Antoine are walking in.
1 HUBERT,swiftly opening the front door, because the wind is blowing hard
You'll see, I hardly touched anything. It's exactly the way they left it. They didn't stay here very long.
2 ANTOINE, closing the door with difficulty. He puts his tuft back in place and inspects the place while sniffing the air
H'm… Yeah…
3 HUBERT
With a minimum of reno… And for the price I'm asking you… If something breaks I'll fix it for free.
4 ANTOINE
I sure hope so. It's and old place. Chiefly, I hope this old stuff isn't just going to cave in. How's the kitchen?
5 HUBERT
Oh, the kitchen's all fine. I only have to fix the ventilation. Nothing much. It'll be done well before your opening. (Hubert walks toward the bathrooms doors and opens the men's room.) Here're the cans. Very clean.
6 ANTOINE,looking by the door with disgust and putting his hand over his face
Oh!
7 HUBERT, opening the ladies' room
Nothing's wrong here either.
8 ANTOINE, trying to keep his composure and nodding in agreement
Yeah, yeah.
Hubert walks towards the office door. Antoine follows him.
9 HUBERT
The office is over here. It's not that big, but there is a small window anyhow. (Antoine looks in.) You can walk in.
10 ANTOINE,still with disdain
Ugh! No, it's ok. (Making a gesture with his hand.) Later. (Looking inside the office.) The window looks onto a brick wall.
11 HUBERT
Yes, but there's still fresh air coming in.
12 ANTOINE, looking over the place
The size of the place suits me fine. (Passing his finger on the bar.) I would've like it cleaner, but oh well… (Pulling a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his finger.) At that price, I guess I can't ask for much.
13 HUBERT
I can't believe you don't find it clean Mr. Antoine. There is nothing lying around.
14 ANTOINE
Call me Tony. It's ok. We each have our own idea of what's clean. Don't worry about it. It's not the first time that… (Searching for his word.) I mean…
15 HUBERT
It's ok. No need to explain. It's not clean according to YOUR standard. You can wipe AS MUCH AS you want once the lease is signed. I'm not going to complain because the tenant is too clean. (Walking towards the kitchen.) The kitchen is over here. (He walks towards it followed by Antoine. Two seconds go by and Antoine comes out feeling nauseated. But he pulls himself together. Hubert follows him.) You haven't seen everything. Don't you want to inspect everything real good at least once before you make up you mind?
16 ANTOINE, turning his back on Hubert and making a gesture with his hand
All right, all right. I'll take it. (Taking a deep breath and turning around facing Hubert.) I'll take it at the price we discussed AND only if you fix the ventilation in the kitchen BEFORE the restaurant's opening. I hope your word is good.
Hubert comes up to Antoine and holds out his hand. But Antoine ducks out of it pretending that he didn't notice.
17 HUBERT
I won't let you down.
18 ANTOINE
And we agree that after the first year, there'll only be a 5 percent rise on the lease, no more. A vegetarian restaurant is not like a fast food. I've to earn my clients one by one. Unfortunately, the statistics prove it. More than one new business out of two shuts down within five years. So, I have to run it tight.
19 HUBERT
Just like the Asian restaurant that was here before. It didn't last 6 months. And yet, the menu was really good.
20 ANTOINE
It's all about supply and demand! There is no shortage of Chinese restaurants around. But it's different for veggie restaurants. Anyway, we're the 28th; my opening will be the 31st.
21 HUBERT
Isn't it a little fast?
22 ANTOINE,pompously
Lisa Folk is passing through on Monday to complete her world tour. She's the one who lists the best vegetarian restaurants on the planet for the Golden Tofu prize giving.
23 HUBERT
Never heard of it. So, it means I'll fix the fan no later than today.
24 ANTOINE
I count on you. Do you have any idea what the Golden Tofu plaque means to a restaurant owner? It's worth its weight in gold.
25 HUBERT
This woman, she's is a food critic? How can you be sure she's she'll be eating here on Monday?
26 ANTOINE
I'm already signed up. I've got the confirmation of her visit. She'll come. And everybody will know that I am the one who makes the best vegetarian food in the country.
27 HUBERT
Whatever you say.
28 ANTOINE
Three days is not much to get ready. I've got a thousand and one things to do.
29 HUBERT
Sure looks like you know where you're heading.
30 ANTOINE
Yeah, I also know were Lisa Folk is heading. (With a great gesture of his hand.) Right here! Even if she'll taste only one of my dish. Everything's planned. And for my regular customers, I'll manage to be indispensable. Hubert, have you ever ordered a hot hamburger sandwich without meat or gravy? There's not much left to eat right?
31 HUBERT
Why a hot hamburger sandwich with a veggie patty, ok? But who would eat a hot hamburger sandwich without gravy? That's what makes the sandwich.
32 ANTOINE
‘Cause it's beef gravy my friend. That little brown sauce is beef based, dam! Nobody ever thought that one day a vegetarian would want to order a hot hamburger sandwich? I don't thing it's so hard to replace beef gravy for veggie gravy.
33 HUBERT
Well, I never thought of that.
34 ANTOINE
No one ever thought of that! But me, yes.
35 HUBERT
And you think a veggie restaurant will be a hit around here?
36 ANTOINE, in a confidential tone
There's a lot of clientele for that around here. There is the university campus close by. All the office towers around us. There's a demand and, so far, there is no offer. And that's without mentioning my Golden Tofu plaque. (Waiving one hand in the air.) And than…
37 HUBERT
I wish you luck!
38 ANTOINE, still in a confidential tone and as if he was revealing a great truth.
Hubert, with good quality grub, a warm welcome and reasonable prices, well, even the non-vegetarians will come and eat in your restaurant. I'm telling you. Look at me go.
39 HUBERT
Ah, well, I hope you're right, ‘cause changing tenants every six month doesn't work for me. (Half smile.) I can't wait to see how your hot veggie and your alfalfa sandwiches will be a winner.
40 ANTOINE
I know you're skeptic. But I like it. I like challenges. (Looking around him and rubbing his hands together.) Ah, I almost forgot. The tenants on the top floor, are they much trouble?
41 HUBERT, uncomfortable and struggling to find the right words.
No… no, no. (With a sigh.) There's just one tenant. A widow. She won't bug you. Actually, I want to show you the stairway by the exit door. (He walks towards the kitchen, followed by Antoine.) It's an old building and there's an inside stairway leading to the apartment above. It's kind of her emergency exit. (Antoine takes a deep breath and they enter the kitchen.)
Scene 2
The entrance door opens swiftly due to the wind and an elderly woman appears. She closes the door with difficulty. She is wearing pants and a nice shirt over a blouse. She looks young for her age. She stands up strait, and walks at a brisk pace. She has long, curly and tousled hair.
42 SAOIRSE,she puts her hair back in place
Talk about a wind! (She looks around.) Hubert? (She opens the restrooms doors yelling and closing them straight away.) Hubert? Hubert? (She walks towards the office notices something on the floor and picks it up.) A nut! (She opens the office door yelling.) Hubert? (She closes the door.) Come on, I'm not crazy. I heard voices.
She is just about to enter the kitchen when someone else enters the premises by the entrance door. Saoirse turns around.
43 VICTOR, closing the door with difficulty
Wow! Just about gone with the wind! (Noticing Saoirse.) Excuse me. Is Antoine here?
44 SAOIRSE,irritated
I'm fine thank you, young man. How are you?
45 VICTOR
I'm looking for Antoine.
46 SAOIRSE
I'm not deaf.
47 VICTOR
Have you seen him?
48 SAOIRSE
You're sure insistent.
49 VICTOR
He arranged to meet me here. (Looking at his watch.) At 10 o'clock. (He sneezes.) Atishoo!
50 SAOIRSE
Bless you! In my opinion, you most certainly didn't make vow of being on time, young man. (Pointing at the clock.) ‘Cause it's been past ten o'clock for fifteen minutes. Me, if I had an employee like you. I'd fired him in no time. And to top it all of, you've got a cold.
51 VICTOR,pulling a handkerchief from his pocket.
No, no. I'm just a little bit allergic to dust, that's all. I know I'm late. But Antoine is a friend. He's not my boss. I'm Victor. You're the cleaning lady?
52 SAOIRSE, still irritated.
I'll show you a cleaning lady. Do I look like a cleaning lady? If I would be, it wouldn't be so dusty in here.
53 VICTOR, trying to avoid conflict
Well…
54 SAOIRSE
Listen to me young man; I don't know who's Antoine. I didn't see him. And just because I picked up a nut on the floor it doesn't mean I'm the cleaning lady. Do you at least know what you're talking about?
55 VICTOR
Pardon?
56 SAOIRSE
When you say “gone with the wind”, do you at least know what you're talking about?
57 VICTOR,trying to follow her thought processs
Well… I guess so. Isn't there an old song that goes like this: (Singing with Bob Dylan's “Blowin' in the wind” melody) “the answer my friend is gone with the wind”. It's just a way of saying that the wind is strong enough to make anything or anyone vanish forever. It's just an image, you know. I wasn't just about to vanish in that wind out there.
58 SAOIRSE
A song!?! Get real young man. I can tell you don't know much about American history. My great grand father was in the American Civil War, so I've heard enough about it from my dad. He had all kind of artifact from the era. You've never heard of the abolition of slavery, the assassination of Lincoln, the defeat of the Confederate and the Reconstruction Era. Ahh… what do they teach you in school anyway? Listen, the expression “Gone with the wind” doesn't come from that song at all. It's the title of what was first a book, than a movie. A classic, starring Clark Gable. What you're thinking is a Bob Dylan song from 1963 and it goes like: (Singing.) The answer my friend is…(She makes a gesture to prompt him to finish the line.)
59 VICTOR,hesitating before singing
…Is blowin' in the wind.
60 SAOIRSE
Exactly, now you've got it.
61 VICTOR
One is a song and one is a movie.
62 SAOIRSE
So, whether you're gone with the wind or blowin' in the wind, now you know the difference. Next time, you won't look so dumb.
63 VICTOR, half smile.
Ah! Thanks for the information session. (Looking around him.) Not too bad. We could have a nice little restaurant here.
64 SAOIRSE, almost yelling
Not another Chinese restaurant, I hope. I'm getting an egg roll overdose! And we don't want all the neighborhood cats to disappear.
65 VICTOR
No need to worry about that, ma'am. Tony is an animal lover. So much that he became a vegetarian. All that can happen to those cats is to be adopted. He's got four of them already. No, he doesn't want to open a Chinese restaurant. It's not his style. Do you own the building?
66 SAOIRSE
You're sure not good at riddles. No, I'm the tenant upstairs. I'm Saoirse. So, you can call me Saoirse.
67 VICTOR
It's the first time I hear that name.
68 SAOIRSE
My parents loved old names. For me, they picked one that's as old as the hills. Now listen young man! My name is as old as the hills, not me! However, I like my name ‘cause it makes me unique. (Looking around.) I came downstairs ‘cause I heard voices earlier. It was probably your Antoine who was discussing with my handsome Hubert. Hubert is the landlord. (Pointing towards the kitchen.) They must be in the kitchen.
69 VICTOR
I'm coming with you ma'am Sercha.
70 SAOIRSE, curtly
It's saoir – se! Never mind the ma'am! Repeat after me. Let's have a beer without a sneer, and give three cheers to dear Saoirse.
71 VICTOR,destabilized yet complying
Let's have a beer without a sneer, and give three cheers to dear Sercha.
72 SAOIRSE,looks at him, discouraged, waving a hand in the air and sig.
Don't worry; I'll squeeze something good out of you.
She walks in to the kitchen followed by Victor.
73 VICTOR
Atishoo!
Scene 3
Hubert and Antoine walk in from the entrance door.
74 HUBERT
There. We looked around the whole building. So, if you still agree with the conditions we can sign the lease now.
75 ANTOINE satisfied and rubbing his hands
Yes, perfect!
76 HUBERT
Gee! I left it in the car. Hold on a minute!
He walks out of the entrance door. At the door, Antoine pulls a corner of the paper and looks outside. Saoirse walks out of the kitchen without Antoine noticing.
77 ANTOINE
Holy cow! The guy's got it good. He drives a Corvette Sting Ray?
78 SAOIRSE
You're talking about Hubert?
79 ANTOINE,jumping and turning around
Oh! You spooked me.
80 SAOIRSE
Don't be fooled by the look. You know what they say. Viagra on wheels!
81 ANTOINE,smiling
You know all about it? I'm joking. You're the upstairs' tenant?
82 SAOIRSE
Yes, I'm Saoirse. You, you're better at guessing games. I'm joking too. Hubert is a cool landlord.
83 ANTOINE.
Good! That's what I wanted to hear. Hubert told me about you, but I didn't think you were that old. (Realizing his blunder.) I mean an elderly woman.
84 SAOIRSE,annoyed
Don't you ever said that young man. My name's old all right, but not me! I'm sure I can cream you at Xbox-One and a lot of other things.
85 ANTOINE
I didn't want to be rude. (Trying to make up for his blunder.) Anyway, the word old is not insulting. Wisdom and experience comes with old age. (He waits for a reaction, but she remains unmoved.) So, you're a widow?
86 SAOIRSE
That's not any better. Now I look like a woman who buried her husband? Who are you anyway? A vegetarian with four cats?
87 ANTOINE
Yes, I'm vegetarian and I have indeed four cats. I'm Antoine, the new tenant. Everybody calls me Tony.
88 SAOIRSE
Tony sounds Italian. You're not going to open an Italian restaurant, I hope? Egg rools, spaghetti… It's starting to look like a continental buffet in here. All we need is some souvlaki and we've been around the world.
89 ANTOINE
I'm a vegetarien, Saoirse. So I'm opening a veggie restaurant. Not a veggie Italian restaurant, not a veggie chinese restaurant, just a veggie restaurant. Isn't that original?
90 SAOIRSE
As long as it's not a sushi restaurant either. I wouldn't like my place to smell fishy all day long.
91 ANTOINE
Than, no need to worry. (Looking at his watch.) Victor told you about me? He should already be here.
92 SAOIRSE
A friend that's late for a meeting… I don't call that a friend. Unless he ditched himself somewhere.
93 ANTOINE
Don't be a bird of ill omen. Why would he have an accident? The weather's getting better, the wind has calm down. (Irritated.) You haven't seen him?
94 SAOIRSE
Is he about your age, 5 foot 9, ash-blond hair, irritating and slow like slug?
95 ANTOINE
Aside from the slug, it looks like him.
96 SAOIRSE
Well no, I didn't see him. And besides, what would I do with a young man? Me, I don't hook up with young people.
97 ANTOINE,jumping at the opportunity to contradict her
Ah, ah! If you don't hook up with young people it means you are…
98 SAOIRSE
Enough Colombo. The little slug left by the kitchen door. He said he'll be back soon.
99 ANTOINE
I thought so.
100 SAOIRSE,suddenly nicer
You know, I'm a very reliable person, unlike others. (Trying to redeem herself.) Obviously, you know what you want.
Scene 4
Hubert walks in with the lease.
101 HUBERT
Ah, you've met. How are you Saoirse?
102 SAOIRSE,under his spell
Yes, thanks Hubert. I made you waffles with some good maple syrup. Just come over when you're done with… (Smiling at Antoine.) Tony.
103 HUBERT
Thanks, you're so kind. I'll meet you upstairs as soon as we're done filling this up.
104 SAOIRSE,to Antoine
Did you have breakfast, young man?
105 ANTOINE
No, but I'm not hungry.
106 HUBERT,to Antoine
Wrong answer.
107 SAOIRSE, to Antoine
Don't be fussy. You can't eat here, your restaurant isn't open yet. I'll see you both upstairs when you're done talking business. In life, you have to eat properly if you want to think straight. And I'll give you a stiff one to flush it all down. I'll let you guys finish your paperwork. No goofing off, I'll be waiting for you. (She walks out by the kitchen.)
Hubert and Antoine looking at each other in approval.
108 HUBERT
She won't take no for an answer.
109 ANTOINE
I'm starting to know what she's about.
110 HUBERT
Don't mind her maners. Deep down, she's sweet.
111 ANTOINE
Sweet and sour?
112 HUBERT, waving the lease
Let's get back to business. It won't take long to fill up. All we need is your information.
He pulls two chairs in a corner. He puts the lease and a pen on the table in front of Antoine. They both sit down.
113 ANTOINE, starting to fill up the document
Very well. Tell me, even though you lost a good tenant a few months ago, it looks like business is still quite good?
114 HUBERT
Why do you say that?
115 ANTOINE,looking towards the street
You ain't walking!
116 HUBERT
Ah, the car? Don't be fooled by looks. It was my dad's car. He died last year. That's all I've left from him, the building and the car.
117 ANTOINE
I'm sorry.
118 HUBERT
It's ok. And Saoirse has been here a long time. Her rent hasn't followed the inflation. She was friend with my dad. Anyway, it doesn't matter you know. I'm separated. No kids. I don't need much to live. On the other hand, I'd be happy if your restaurant could get off the ground. I would'n have to spend all that time finding a serious tenant. If you only know how many people came to view this place. I even had hippies who wanted to sell rock crystals and incence.
119 ANTOINE
Oh, misery
120 HUBERT
A lady who wanted to sell used clothes. And there was also someone who wanted to open a pet store. Can you imagine? Saoirse would've killed me if there were snakes and mice below her appartement! No, I'm very glad that we've reached an agreement, Tony. It will put everybody at ease. A vegetarian restaurant is much better than all this, right?
121 ANTOINE, finishing to fill up the document and giving it to Hubert
I totally agree with you. I think that we'll get along good.
Both men gets up.
122 HUBERT
Here, it's your copy and the keys. One is for the front door and one is for the back door. Come with me, I'll show you how to work the alarm in the kitchen. (He walks towards the kitchen.)
123 ANTOINE,rubbing his hands together
With pleasure. (To himself and wild with joy.) Yes! (He walks in to the kitchen.)
Black. Only the clock stays lit.
Scene 5
The clock's hands moves forward to 1:30 pm. The stage is lit up again and Antoine is in the middle of the room reading a sheet of paper. Saoirse comes from the kitchen with a hot dish.
124 SAOIRSE
Hello.
125 ANTOINE, looking up
Hi.
126 SAOIRSE
I brought you a little snack to eat.
127 ANTOINE
Again? (Reading his sheet of paper and realizing that she is frowning at him.) Thanks, it's very kind of you.
128 SAOIRSE,setting the plate on the bar
I cooked stir fryed veggies on a bed of noodles. I'm not the kind to cook meat without telling you. I also made cabbage rools for Hubert. Let me tell you, he sure doesn't complain about my food.
129 ANTOINE
You're too kind. All that trouble for me! You didn't have to.
130 SAOIRSE
It's no trouble. (She notices something on the floor and bend down to pick it up.) Oh, another nut! Someone in here, loves eating nuts. They're everywhere.
131 ANTOINE, still looking at his sheet of paper
I've got to measure the windows before buying the curtains.
132 SAOIRSE
No need to worry about that. (She pulls a piece of paper from her pocket and hands it to him.) Here! There's mesurement for both large windows and for the door window.
133 ANTOINE, surprised. He takes the piece of paper that she hands him and reads.
Holy cow! When did you do that?
134 SAOIRSE
The place changes hands but the measurements remains the same. I ordered the curtains for them Chinese people.
135 ANTOINE
Really?
136 SAOIRSE, almost offended
Most certainly! They spoked pretty crappy English. They had a hard time to order stuff. I had to help them all the time.
137 ANTOINE, unsure
And they went bankrupt?
138 SAOIRSE
I did my best to help them. But they were never cut out for cooking. That was the problem. It's that simple; my shepherd's pie was ten times better than any of their daily specials.
139 ANTOINE
Hubert told me they had good food. (She frowns at him again.) But really Saoirse, your waffle are the best I never had.
140 SAOIRSE
Thanks. You said it! I've learned that from my mom who had to feed a family of seven kids. You know, sometimes she had to work miracles with not much. We ate farm products, but some years there was some rather poor harvests.
141 ANTOINE
I can just imagine how it was. Anyway, If I had breakfast on the menu, your waffles would be on it, for sure.
142 SAOIRSE
Thanks. Now, have a taste of my stir fryed veggies and you'll tell me as much!
143 ANTOINE, grapping the plate from the bar
To my delight! If you would excuse me, I've got to call all my supplyers and hire some staff.
144 SAOIRSE
When are you supposed to open?
145 ANTOINE
Yesterday!
146 SAOIRSE
Can I give you a hand?
147 ANTOINE, showing her the plate and the piece of paper
You've done it already, thanks. I'll talk to you later. (He rushes to his office.)
Scene 6
The entrance door opens and Victor walks in.
148 SAOIRSE, exclaming
Ah, there you are!
149 VICTOR
It ain't so easy to get rid of me.
150 SAOIRSE
You're so grumpy!
151 VICTOR,mocking
You're talking to a mirror? You remind me of someone. But who? (Pretending to think.) Ah, yes! The bogeyman. But no, that can't be. No one has ever seen him. (He sneezes.) Atishoo!
152 SAOIRSE
Wrong! I've seen him. And more than once!
153 VICTOR, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket and wiping his nose
I don't know why, I think that I'm going to get an earfull. This time about some old legend.
154 SAOIRSE
That's right. You need to know that my roots are French-Canadian and we had a legend like the bogeyman in our folklore. The old folks called him “Le bonhomme sept heures” which litterally means "The seven o'clock man". When I was little, if I was rotten, my grand parents would warned my about him.
155 VICTOR
"Le Bonhomme sept heures"?
156 SAOIRSE
Yes, or the bogeyman, if you prefer. He was a "ramancheur".
157 VICTOR
A what?
158 SAOIRSE
Someone who would put back in place bones and human parts that had moved during hard work.
159 VICTOR
Like a bonesetter, you mean? I thought the bogeyman was supposed to kidnap children that didn't want to go to sleep?
160 SAOIRSE
That's what the legend said. (In a confidential tone.) Few people know that, but our bogeyman has always been a bonesetter.
161 VICTOR
That's a good one!
162 SAOIRSE
When I was young, people were slaving away. On the farm, with all those chores, the harder you worked the more usefull you were.
163 VICTOR
I would imagine.
164 SAOIRSE
If you didn't do your share. If you didn't worked hard enough, you'd get straightened up in no time. My dad would've like a son instead of me. I realized that fairly soon, so I had to work my ass off to be appreciated. My sisters, they were more girly and lazy than me, so they were not so spoiled.
165 VICTOR
Ah!
166 SAOIRSE
And in those days, we didn't have much for hospital care and specialists.
167 VICTOR
I guess not.
168 SAOIRSE
So, often times my dad would call "Le Bonhomme sept heures "home to take care of him. Every time he was injured or sore.
169 VICTOR
At least, you had some help.
170 SAOIRSE
We could hear terribles cries of pain from the upstairs bedroom. My sisters and I were so scared that we'd hide in the closet under the stairway. When we were acting like rotten kids, my grand parents would tell us that the "Le Bonhomme sept heures" would comeback to get us.
171 VICTOR
Nice folks. Your dad, did he at least feel better after that?
172 SAOIRSE
For a while, yes. Over time, I have learned the tricks of the trade. If you have a sore back, I can fix that.
173 VICTOR
I don't. But Tony, sometimes, on some occasions… (Realizing that he speaks too much.) So tell me, your bogeyman, did he know you guys called him "Bonhomme Sept Heures"?
174 SAOIRSE
Well no. Nobody called him "Bonhomme Sept Heures" at home.
175 VICTOR
What? I don't get it.
176 SAOIRSE
He had another name. Apparently, the expression “Bonhomme Sept Heures” got popular in some villages in Quebec, but at home in Plessisville we always called him by his real English name.
177 VICTOR
So, why or how did he became the seven o'clock man? (Suddenly.) Ah, I get it! Because he would make his visits around 7 o'clock at night?
178 SAOIRSE
Not at all! A simple deformation of the English name. (Exaggerating the prononciation so Victor can hear the phonetic ressemblance.) The bo-ne set-ter- became the "Bon-homme Sept Heu-res".
179 VICTOR
Ah! Ahhhhhhhhhh… Atichoo!
Scene 7
Hubert walks in from the entrance door. He is wearing a tool belt.
180 HUBERT
Hi
181 SAOIRSE
Hello Hubert.
182 VICTOR,holding out his hand to Hubert
Hi, I'm Victor.
183 HUBERT, shaking his hand and feeling uncomfortable.
I'm Hubert. Nice to meet you.
184 VICTOR
Sercha told me about you, Hubert.
185 HUBERT
You mean Saoir-se.
186 SAOIRSE
All right, all right. (To Hubert in a hushed voice.) He's a real case! He still believes in the bogeyman.
187 HUBERT, to Victor
You work with Tony?
188 VICTOR
He asked if I could give him a hand. We're old pals.
189 SAOIRSE, to Victor
You're a cook?
190 VICTOR
I can fend for myself, but not for a restaurant.
191 SAOIRSE
So you're a server?
192 VICTOR
No.
193 HUBERT
Saoirse, who cares what he does. He's Tony's friend.
194 ICTOR
I've got a driver's license. I can make deliveries if needed. Tony can teach me other stuff too; I'm a fast learner.
195 SAOIRSE,impatient
His plan was to open YESTERDAY. He doesn't have time to teach you how to carry two plates in one hand. Forget the Cirque du Soleil.
196 HUBERT,to Saoirse
With your teaching, I've learned to set broken backs in no time. I'm sure this guy could learn quite a bit in 3 days, so Tony can win his… (Hesitating.) Golden…
197 VICTOR, exalted
Ah! The famous Golden Tofu! For a veggie restaurant, it's THE ultimate culinary award! You know that ONLY ONE restaurant in this state, or even in this country, will receive the Golden Tofu? Any cook who has the Golden Tofu plaque displayed on is wall is sure to be successful.
198 SAOIRSE
All right, we get the picture. We're not that dumb. It's all about cooking the best vegetarian meals in the country and, hop, it's in the bag!
199 VICTOR
No, not quite. Of course, the meal is the most important aspect. But we earn points as well for the service, the atmosphere… (Looking around him.) and the decoration. Tony knows his stuff. I'm sure he's got the ball rolling by now.
200 HUBERT
Me, I fix what's out of whack, that's about all I can do to help him. (To Victor.) I'm sure he's got something planned for you. I have a fan to fix. Excuse me. (He walks towards the kitchen and exits.)
201 SAOIRSE,to Hubert following him a few steps
Come upstairs when you're done, Hubert. I made you some cabbage rolls. (She stops at the kitchen door, turns towards Victor and points at the office.) Tony's in the office. (She walks in to the kitchen.)
Scene 8
Antoine walks out of the office.
202 ANTOINE, excited
Vic! It's about time. I signed the lease.
203 VICTOR
Congrats, Big! It's already busy here and you're not even open. It's promising.
204 ANTOINE
You knew I booked Lisa Folks' visit at this address way before I signed the lease. It had to work!
205 VICTOR
That's my Tony all right. That's so much like you to put the cart before the horse.
206 ANTOINE
You know I had no choice.The deadline to sign up was last month. That's the time I needed to gather enough cash so the bank would approve my loan.
207 VICTOR
It's funny anyhow. As long as you have money the banks will lend you money.
208 ANTOINE
Let's not talk about banks, it could take all day. So far, we're on track.
209 VICTOR, pointing upstairs with his chin
On top of that, you inherited a stuck-up. Well-done, Big!
210 ANTOINE
Have some respect for the lady. Under her … (Looking for his words.) somewhat bad temper you'll finda really kind person.
211 VICTOR
You mean a cruel person.
212 ANTOINE
Don't go by her look. Just use your charms on her and you won't have any problem.
213 VICTOR
All I need is a flute to charm your rattlesnake.
214 ANTOINE
Focus, Vic! Focus!
215 VICTOR
No worries. I've seen worst. I'll get along with her eventually. But if you mess up this time…
216 ANTOINE
Never mind “if I mess up”, Vic. Do like I do. Focus on reaching the goal instead of dwelling on some negative assumptions.
217 VICTOR
Ah! As if it worked out before. No one will lend you money if your plan goes up in smoke. You might not be cut out for owning a business, you know.
218 ANTOINE
Thanks for the trust. Great advice, really, coming from a guy with no job.
219 VICTOR
So, I can't give you good advice just because I'm unemployed at the moment.
220 ANTOINE
Of course, you can give me good advice. Why do you think I'm asking for your help? But if you're going to put a wrench in the works, you better hit the road now.
221 VICTOR
No, no. Now that I'm here… I'll help you.
222 ANTOINE
Than focus, I tell you, focus!
223 VICTOR
Focus, focus! You should be working for Ford.Never mind.Ok, what should we do?
224 ANTOINE
I've ordered server's uniforms, curtains, tablecloths, napkins and hanging pictures. And the menus are being printed.
225 VICTOR,looking at the walls and at the floor
I hope you didn't go cheap. Did you hire some staff, yet?
226 ANTOINE
It's happening today. A dish of noodles, no matter how tasty, won't be enough to impress the unshakeable Lisa Folk!
227 VICTOR
You know what you're doing. With all the research you've made, you should know her inside out, like nothing.
228 ANTOINE
Exactly. I found one of her weak points. (In a confidential tone.) Get that, she's quite sensitive to women's charms, if you know what I mean.
229 VICTOR,pretending to be disgusted
What? Even her? They're everywhere!
230 ANTOINE
Victor! We're not the only gays out there!
231 VICTOR, ironically
Wait, wait! Let me guess. You'll name your restaurant… the Alfalfa Tuft or the Soft Nut?
232 ANTOINE
Out of this body, Bill Burr! No, I'll name it the Pink Pearl.
233 VICTOR
Ah! (Nodding his head.) It's certainly a little more refine.
234 ANTOINE
We'll spoil her and treat her like a queen.
235 VICTOR
We'll tend to her, folksy style! (Antoine frowns at him.)
236 ANTOINE
Holy cow! Bill Burr, Jim Nort… You looked up all the stand up comics in the phonebook, or what?
237 VICTOR, waiving his hand in the air
Oh, well! When are the interviews?
238 ANTOINE
The job center will send some applicants at 2 o'clock. Meanwhile, I want you to gather all the bottles we need, to fill up the bar. I want to be ready for it. If Lisa Folk orders a sex on the beach or a bloody Caesar, we won't be caught off guard. As my mom would say, she likes fancy drinks.
239 VICTOR
A good business leader can assign the right person to the right job. (Playing false flattery.) Really smart decision! (Shouting.) Hello? You know damn well that I don't drink booze and I don't know jack about drinks!
240 ANTOINE,pulling a list from his pocket and handing it to him
Don't get all worked up. Here's a list. It's all there. Give it to the clerk and he'll fill up the order for you. (He pulls a wad of cash from his pocket and his car keys and hands them to him.) Here! Take my car and please don't you forget to bring back the receipt and the change.
241 VICTOR
Ok, chief. (He walks towards the entrance door and turns around.) By the way, when is your mussel-eater supposed to show up?
242 ANTONE, in a tone of feigned love
That's what l liked the most about you, at first: your gentleness, your sensitivity and your tact. (Curtly.) ‘Til I woke up. (Seriously.) She'll be in town Monday. She's in New York right now, than she's coming here to Chicago.
243 VICTOR
Isn't she going to Washington before heading for Chicago?
244 ANTOINE
Businesses are crashing in Washington. Don't you think she knows that?
245 VICTOR
You're right. Bye now! (He walks out and comes back immediately.) What I liked about you at first (Looking at his pants, half smile) was your great big quality.
246 ANTOINE, flattered
You sure liked it.
247 VICTOR,pause and in a murderer tone
But you can only stay naïve for so long. (He walks out.)
248 ANTOINE, beating the air with his hand
Get lost!
Scène 9
Antoine goes to the rest room. Hubert walks out of the kitchen with a fan part in his hand. He looks everywhere and walks towards the office. He knocks at the door. He opens the door. A woman walks in through the main door. She is wearing huge dark glasses, a black raincoat, black shoes and a black hat over her black hair. She also holds a black purse and wears black gloves.
249 LISA, she coughs to draw attention
Hem, hem!
250 HUBERT, turning around
Good afternoon ma'am. Can I help you?
251 LISA
Maybe. It's about the lestaulant.
252 HUBERT
Oh, for an interview? Already? Um! The restaurant's owner takes care of that. He should be around.
253 LISA
I just want to make a leselvation fol tonight.
254 HUBERT
As far as I know, you're the first one. You don't need a reservation.
255 LISA, looking all around her
Solly, I'm a little ealy. My schedule got changed. If the lestaulant is not open yet, I'll come back next yeal.
256 HUBERT
No, no. The restaurant needs you now, not next year.
257 LISA
So, tonight is ok?
258 HUBERT
I suppose so. It's rather urgent. I'll tell the owner about it.
259 LISA
My name is Lisa Folk. I'll be back at 7:00.
260 HUBERT
Your name rings a bell. Were you a regular customer at the Chinese restaurant?
261 LISA
What Chinese lestaulant?
262 HUBERT
The one that used to be here.
263 LISA
It's my filst time in Chicago, sil.
264 HUBERT
Ah, a new immigrant. Welcome to Chicago ma'am.
265 LISA
You ale mistaking me fol somebody else. I came to taste the food.
266 HUBERT
You'll taste it all you want once you work here. YOU should've been working at that Chinese restaurant. With your good English maybe they could've kept their business rolling.
267 LISA
All light, sil. I'll be back at 7:00. I hope to be pleasantly sulplised.
268 HUBERT
I'll pass the message, ma'am.
269 LISA
See you! (She walks out.)
Scene 10
Antoine walks out of the restroom closing the door with his elbow and rubbing his hands together.
270 ANTOINE,looking at the fan part in Hubert's hands
Hubert, tell me the fan is fixed.
271 HUBERT
Just about.
272 ANTOINE
How long?
273 HUBERT
I do my best. (Showing him the part.) I've to clean those parts.
274 ANTOINE
All right. There's still a bit of time.
275 HUBERT
Tony, there's a lady coming for an interview tonight at 7 o'clock.
276 ANTOINE
Why so late?
277 HUBERT
Beats me.
278 ANTOINE
I asked the job center to send me those people between 2:00 and 4:00. Bureaucrats can't be trusted.
279 HUBERT
It might not be the bureaucrats' fault. The lady looks a little odd. She's an immigrant. But she speaks good English.
280 ANTOINE,looking at his watch
The main thing is to get prime candidates. I still have some stuff to order.
281 HUBERT
Saoirse is expecting me for dinner! Don't worry, I'll finish that later.
Black. Except the clock that stays lit.
Scène 11
The hands move forward to 6:15 p.m. The lights are turning back on. Victor walks in from the kitchen door pushing a cart loaded with cardboard boxes. He walks up to the bar, wipes it with a cloth and starts unloading the boxes. He pulls out the bottles and sets them on the bar.
282 VICTOR,sneezing and talking to himself
Atishoo! (He wipes his nose with a handkerchief.) Gin, vodka, rum, tia Maria, crème de menthe… (Saoirse walks in from the kitchen, but Victor doesn't see her right away.) Just reading these labels makes me gag.
283 SAOIRSE
What a wimp! You're white like a sheet. (Bending down to pick up something.) Another nut! Are you the one eating nuts, they're all over the floor?
284 VICTOR
It looks like I'm stuck with you for the day.
285 SAOIRSE
What's all this stuff!
286 VICTOR
It's called a bar.
287 SAOIRSE,with a sigh
Do you know why older women have a hairdo that looks like a muffin?
288 VICTOR, still organizing his bar
You told me I wasn't good at riddles.
289 SAOIRSE
I was just wondering. (Pensive.) You know, sometimes I wake up at night and I think about stuff, then I try to tell myself to stop thinking about such petty stuff.
290 VICTOR
You've got no kids?
291 SAOIRSE
No.
292 VICTOR
You told me, earlier this morning, that you have many sisters. They're still alive?
293 SAOIRSE
They always talk about their aches and pains. I think they can't stand me because I'm healthy. I guess I'm too active for them.
294 VICTOR, pensive
It's true that, all too often, some people give up too soon and they sit there waiting for fate to grab them. People can blame you for all kind of things, but nobody will blame you for being so lively.
295 SAOIRSE
I shouldn't dwell too much on that. Still, I feel sorry for them. I tell myself that what's important in life is to make things happen.
296 VICTOR
I never thought I would say that, but I agree with you.
297 SAOIRSE
That's what I like about Tony. He's a man of action. All this hullabaloo is quite exciting, isn't it?
298 VICTOR
You must have been a hand full when you were young.
299 SAOIRSE
You've got that right. And I'm still a hand full today. Sorry for being a little hard on you this morning, Victor.
300 VICTOR, half smile
You know, at your age you're allowed to be hard once in a while, although, you don't get much hardness anymore.
301 SAOIRSE, smiling and with hand gestures
You and Tony…
302 VICTOR
No, no, that's ancient history. We're not together anymore.
303 SAROISE
You've got somebody else in your life?
304 VICTOR
No. Who wants a poor guy with no job than can't even solve riddles? Definitely not the Cirque du Soleil. (Looking at the clock.) It's getting late. I'll finish that tomorrow.
305 SAROISE
Don't be so hard on yourself. Come over to my place for coffee.
306 VICTOR
I guess you won't take no for an answer.
307 SAOIRSE
I knew I could squeeze something good out of you.
They both walk towards the kitchen.
308 VICTOR
Likely, you'll have some desert to go with that. A piece of pie or cake?
309 SAOIRSE, curtly and walking towards the kitchen
Don't ask for so much! (With a softer tone.) Sister Agatha would tell us that day after day. I never told you about my life at the boarding school. You'll see, I never run out of things to talk about. Well yes, I've got some left over cake. I'll let you close up. See you in a bit.
310 VICTOR
All right. See you.
She walks in to the kitchen.
Scene 12
Victor tidies up a few bottles, sets the empty boxes on the cart and rolls it back towards the kitchen. Antoine walks out of the office, he looks overwhelmed.
311 VICTOR
The bar is all set. (He puts the change, the receipt and the keys on the bar.) Happy? You don't look so good.
312 ANTOINE,picking up the change, the receipt and the keys
Two hours of interviews for nothing.
313 VICTOR
How come?
314 ANTOINE
The job center got me a bunch of dull chicks. No wild fox whatsoever.
315 VICTOR
Really?
316 ANTOINE,pointing at the ceiling
Might as well get the neighbor to serve.
317 VICTOR
That bad?
318 ANTOINE
I know that nowadays you can't discriminate, but there's a limit. A pretty girl, is it too much asking? How am I supposed to attract customer without any hot chicks.
319 VICTOR
You still have a couple of days to find your rare gem… or your pink pearl.
320 ANTOINE,with a mocking smile and looking at his watch.
I have one last interview in a few minutes.
321 VICTOR
If she's not what you want, we can always put an add in the window. There're some good-looking students around.
322 ANTOINE
All I need is a pretty waitress with some experience. Remember, I earn points for the serviceas well.
323 VICTOR
What's most important? A pretty waitress or a good waitress?
324 ANTOINE
Both, equally.
325 VICTOR,resting his hand on Antoine's arm.
Take a deep breath. I'm sure everything's going to be fine.
The light flickers. They both look at the ceiling.
326 ANTOINE
That's all we need.
Antoine places a table and a chair in the middle of the room. The light flickers one more time.
327 VICTOR
What are you doing?
328 ANTOINE, climbing on the table
Maybe the bulb needs tighten up.
329 VICTOR, holding his legs
Watch out! With your sore back…
330 ANTOINE, trying to screw on the bulb
Alright, alright.
Scene 13
Saoirse walks in from the kitchen.
331 SAOIRSE
Hubert says not to worry about the light. (She looks at the floor.)
332 VICTOR,to Antoine and still holding his legs
OK, you can come down. (He sneezes.) Aaa…tishoo! (While sneezing, he pulls down Antoine's pants by accident.)
333 ANTOINE, his hands still in the air
Ah!
Antoine is standing on the table with only his boxer-short on. At the same time Saoirse, who is still looking away, bends down to pick up something on the floor.
334 SAOIRSE, exclaiming with passion
Ah, those big nuts!
By reflex, Antoine puts both his hands in front of him, thinking that Saoirse sees him naked.
335 ANTOINE
Ah! (To Victor.) What's wrong with you?
336 SAOIRSE,looking at them and covering her eyes with her hands
I didn't see anything! (She spreads open her fingers to look.) Oh! Keep doing what you do.Just ignore me. (She runs in to the kitchen.)
Antoine tries to pull up his pants and Victor wants to help him. Antoine hits him.
337 ANTOINE
Let go of me!
338 VICTOR
Ouch! I just want to help you.
339 ANTOINE
I don't need help to pull up my pants. You're better at pulling them down! (He pulls up his pants and jumps off the table. He shouts.) Hubert! (The light goes out and the stage is almost completely dark. He shouts louder.) Hubert!
Hubert walks in from the kitchen.
340 HUBERT, shining the light of the flashlight
I think it's a short.
341 ANTOINE
Looks like it.
342 VICTOR, trying to reassure him
It's an easy fix, isn't it?
343 HUBERT
It should. I just have to replace the fuses in the basement.
344 ANTOINE
Please, hurry up! I'm expecting someone.
345 VICTOR,sneezing
Atishoo!
Scene 14
The entrance door opens and Lisa Folk walks in. She is still dressed the same way. Hubert shines the light right in her face.
346 LISA
Good evening. Am I too ealy?
347 ANTOINE,preoccupied and greeting her without really looking at her
Ah! No, of course not. We're having a minor problem with the lights. (Looking at Hubert.) It'll be fixed in no time. (Making great gestures to Hubert.) Right Hubert?
348 HUBERT,recognizing Lisa
It's the lady for the interview.
349 ANTOINE
Yes, thanks, I know.
350 LISA
What intelview?
351 HUBERT, walking towards the kitchen
Give me a minute, it won't be long.
352 ANTOINE
Hubert, if you take the flashlight we'll be in the dark here.
353 VICTOR
I saw some chinese lamps behind the bar.
He goes to get them and sets them on the bar. Hubert and Antoine each lit two chinese lamps with matches and they set one on each table.
354 ANTOINE,satisfied
That's good; it looks like the restaurant is open for business.
355 HUBERT, giving the flashlight to Antoine
You can keep this flashlight; I've got another one.
Hubert runs to the kitchen.
356 ANTOINE, holding out his hand
Let me introduce myself, Ms. I'm Antoine, the owner of the restaurant. But everyone calls me Tony.
357 LISA, holding out her hand
I'm pleased to meet you. My name is Lisa.
358 ANTOINE,shaking her hand
What a coincidence! Just Like Lisa Folk.
359 LISA, ANTOINE, VICTOR,laughing nervously
Ha, ha, ha…
360 VICTOR,realizing suddenly their misunderstanding and nudging Antoine
Oh, god!
361 ANTOINE,to Lisa, warding off Victor's nudges
Your face looks familiar. Have we met already? Please, tell me that you've got experience at serving tables.
362 VICTOR,whispering to Antoine
It's her!
363 ANTOINE
Eh? What, it's her?
364 LISA,looking at Victor
I think this gentlemen lecognized me.
365 ANTOINE, to Victor
You know her?
366 VICTOR, trying to talk without moving his lips
Yes, and so do you.
Antoine starts to scrutinize Lisa's face with his flashlight. She doesn't flinch behind her dark glasses.
367 ANTOINE,looking at Victor
Holy cow! It's… It's…
368 VICTOR,nodding in agreement
It's too bad, yes.
369 ANTOINE putting on an act.
It's… it's… a pleasure to welcome you in my modest restaurant, Ms. Folk.
370 LISA
Il looks like you didn't expect me.
371 ANTOINE, striving to laugh
Ha, ha, ha. Too funny! (Nudging Victor who starts to laugh as well.)
372 VICTOR, overly laughing
Ha, ha, ha.
373 ANTOINE
You liked our performance?
374 LISA
Vely oliginal. That's indeed vely diffelent, sil. The powel failule is on pulpose?
375 ANTOINE
Yes, of course. It's part of the concept. (To Victor and nudging him.) Eh, Vic?
376 VICTOR,caught off guard
For sure! It's part of the concept.
377 ANTOINE,to Victor
You tell her. It's your idea after all.
378 VICTOR
What… my idea? So, is it your concept or mine?
379 ANTOINE, to Lisa and pretending to laugh
Ha, ha, ha! My friend Victor has always been a humble man. He's too modest. (To Victor, in a domineering way.) Remember? It's MY concept, but it started with YOUR idea.
380 VICTOR, playing the game, yet hesitating
Ah, that's true! (Hesitating.) How silly of me. It's so simple… that it slipped my mind for a minute. Well, we decided to… reflect that simplicity… (Gesticulating.) in the decoration… and for the rest as well.
The light comes back on.
381 ANTOINE, to Victor
That's the concept? (Looking around him and at Lisa.) Yes, that's it. Simplicity… showcasing… the food first and foremost.
382 LISA,looking around as well
Do you really expect to win the Golden Tofu plaque with a totally empty lestaulant? I can tell, you'le not even open yet. Thele some limits to simplicity. Don't you think?
383 ANTOINE
No, no, no. It's part of it! It's a surprise. The rest of the concept will be unveiled during your supper, Ms. Folk. (Turning towards Victor.) Right Vic? (Victor stands with his mouth wide open and doesn't know what to say. Antoine holds up Victor's chin with his hand. Victor nervously nods his head many times. And, to Lisa.) Let us surprise you.
384 LISA
Very well. Since I'm hele, I might as well give you the benefit of the doubt. Gentlemen, I hope I won't be disappointed. (Looking at her watch.) I have no time to waste. I'm looking folward to learn mole about youl concept.
385 VICTOR, with a big silly smile
So do we, ma'am, so do we. (He sneezes.) Atichoo!
Black. End of act 1.
Contact the editor to get the full play:
brunolacroix@bell.net