« Reinventing the Huile(d'Olive) »

by Dany Del Harocha

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" How I Became A Foodie"

When Stéphanie Boy — the recently self-appointed editor-in-chief of "Tendances & Lifestyles" — called to offer me the gastronomical column in her new magazine and added that my first assignment would be to attend Fauchon's new tea–room opening, my first reaction was to thank her warmly by throwing up my Big Mac into the receiver.

On second thought, I had to admit that I was the ideal person for this column : for the past couple of years, I have been the proud owner and user of a whole set of spices, bought from Fauchon by a snobbish ex-girlfriend, who invested her life–savings into fancying herself as a French cook. Though I was personally brought up on Kentucky Dioxide Chicken Wings and Bolino's just–add–boiling–water–inside interstellar tortellini, I have grown, through more than a decade spent in France, a genuine taste for gourmet food – or as the French say in a more popular fashion – la bonne bouffe .

I must confess a French television journalist named Jean–Pierre Coffe, was very influential in this epiphany : with a limited budget, Jean–Pierre Coffe visited the open–air markets during most of the eighties and nineties, just to demonstrate to the average viewer how easy it is, when you do your market under the scrutiny of a television crew, to get a lot of free gifts and drink many rare liquors under the counter. The reason why this thrilling program, broadcasted during lunchtime on the French hip channel Canal Plus, became me and my friend's favorite is hard to explain in this non-hip magazine, targeting the preppy audience, but let's just try to describe :

A SAMPLE OF JEAN–PIERRE COFFE'S TV SHOW :

a) Jean–Pierre Coffe focuses his research on a very special food product, (for the sake of this demonstration let's just say that today's product is goose cheese, whatever it may be).

b) Mr. Coffe then buys as many varieties of this product in all kind of shops, ranging from the cheapest supermarket, where the product is conveniently stored in the truck driver's underwear to the small gourmet shop, where the goose is still alive and jokingly attack the customer.

c) In a very dramatic development, Mr. Coffe has a bite of every kind of goose cheese and…

d) …Mr. Coffe metaphorically compares the texture of the cheapest goose cheese to his recent trip to Guatemala, when he was struck by a turista attack and visited every single toilet in South America.

e) Mr. Coffe slowly recovers in a five–star clinic, where he lives on a half–year basis.

This was my spirit of mind, as I was welcomed to Fauchon's tea–room opening , at 26, place de la Madeleine, by a highly efficient P.R. person called Alicia, whom I closely inspected the nails to check for herpes (Mr. Coffe strongly advises to examine the nails of the waiter and the toilet hygiene before eating in any restaurant).

For those of our readers who have been living in a wood hut, I must now explain that Fauchon's brand is a distinguished member of a restricted club, along with Rolex, Rolls–Royce, Tiffany's and Channel, among others brand to whom Stephanie Boy, not the editor–in–chief, but the advertisement manager of "Tendances  & Lifestyles", wishes to sell ad pages.

Not being at all the kind of person to bite the hands that feeds me, I must confess that the "Salade Niçoise" I ordered was highly delicious and very original, although I was not – pardon me to use here some gastronomical babble – hungry. I was introduced the chef of salted dish himself, Pascal Ackerman, who did not hesitate one second to trade his best secrets against a six–digit private account in Switzerland.

The first tip I gathered from Monsieur Pascal was that, creating dishes for Fauchon was a rare pleasure because, unlike most of his peers, he does not have a limited budget. He can buy the best variety of each single product, without any budget limitation.

Monsieur Pascal then added that, during a recent trip to Italy, he was taught that the best olive oil is not the cleanest and the purest, but – get ready for a real information here ! – the dirtiest, an oil that would look to the novice's eyes as the most turgid. Hmm…

I had a bite of the salade niçoise I ordered.

Whithout bothering you with the exact details, which I forgot, let's just say that the tomatoes were processed for five hours, which amounts to roughly 15'000 seconds. And how did it taste ? Well, like a salade niçoise, which is not bad for 130 francs. For this price, you are getting a free car valet services.

If Fauchon plans to open a coffee shop in Amsterdam, I would kill to have a bite of Monsieur Pascal's best space cake.

published by TENDANCES & Lifestyles
1999 © TENDANCES MONACO MC

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