"Small sounds, clearest echoes."

It's very difficult to say goodbye to him. I stopped messaging, I stopped looking at his posts, I stopped saying his name, I stopped whispering our prayers. 

I stopped singing our songs.

I could not go on without hearing his voice naming, praying or singing back to me. I could not go on seeing his incredible card on the wall, reading a setlist of a gig we went to just the two of us, without feeling his hands on my shoulders as I glance at them. I took them down, read them one last time and made one last prayer. 

"Goodbye my sanity, goodbye my love, goodbye you.

I'm sorry but I'm sick of saying sorry all the bloody time. You might feel like saying sorry but don't, there's nothing for me to forgive here. Because you've always been truthful to me. We were broken homes when we met and we both helped the other fixing up the corridors and the rooms. And now that we're both feeling brand new then you don't need ghosts in your brand new house. If there is one thing I'm really sorry about is the fact that I let myself turn into a ghost. And it's not for you that I am sorry, it is for the ones who witness my drowning.

Some people are meant to meet you and teach you. Then you may have to go away. Then I may have to let them go. The strength of what we both felt is not a case of any kind of doubt. We saved each other in a way. I can say for sure that I was madly in love with you. Madly because it made me lose my mind at times, madly because your touch burned my skin, madly because I was sure to hear symphonies of unknown sounds in your breathing."  

I put the card, the setlist, the polaroid, the feelings, in my notebook -the one that is only about him. I wrote today's date. I wrote we were over. I put the notebook close to the other ones, Baby is now next to Golden Boy, next to First Love, next to Asshole.

Baby was the one who saved me from the other ones.

I think my lungs, my brain and my heart are on this shelf too.

Goodbye lungs, goodbye brain, goodbye heart.

Goodbye freckles, goodbye rock shows, goodbye symphonies.

Goodbye the ocean, goodbye the supernovas, goodbye the laughs.

Goodbye my sanity, goodbye my love, goodbye you.