FARFROMYOU

BEFORE EVEN WAITING FOR OUR DELAYED FLIGHT AT THE AIRPORT, I KNEW

The end is coming. I just want to be realistic. We both know it and we decide to leave Ho Chi Minh-City, like an escape to the North, our first and last escape. When I say “we decide”, I mean I booked my flight and planned this trip for a while but I have decided to invite you to come with me and you have decided to go for it, even though you are a little short budgetwise. Love triumphs right?

At the airport, I know that this is going to be sad and painful, mostly for you, my young boy. Perhaps I am selfish again but this idea remains stuck in my mind: it will worth being painful. Let's do it! A few days together, just the two of us.

OUR DIFFERENCES APPEAR TO BE AN ISSUE NOW

I think that we quickly realise now that we are different, and maybe too different. I have this kind of love for you, I hate you as much as I am jealous of you. You are so perfect, you behave so perfectly with people, you are the kind of guy we cannot despise. But here it is, it makes me sort of angry. I would like to be you. You are so successful. And we talk a lot about how “too” realistic I am and how “too” idealistic you are. Difficult to match isn't it? That's us, that's our story. You know I have never been that afraid of disappointing someone than you. What you think of me is so valuable in my eyes.

I love these days we spend together as much as I hate them. It shows me how ridiculous I am when you are so great. I don't really know if you push me up or down. It reminds me that I am a lost soul and you are an amazing and hopeful soul. I don't even know if the age has something to do about it. I feel everyday like I am fucked up, it's like you are watching me and you are afraid of becoming what I am. That's the best way I can describe how I feel far from you when I am so close to you.

WE MAKE THE BEST LOVE WE HAVE EVER MADE AND IT WAS THE LAST TIME

We have this thing that I don't even know how to call. We make love every two days and there is this night. This night I will cherish until the end. For once, we can have our total privacy in our own bedroom. No one to hide from and no quietness to respect. We are drinking a few beers, enjoying the nightlife in the island. I always like how you don't really know how to deal with alcohol but how you know how to stop when it's enough. This control you want to keep, it's unbelievable if it would not be so admirable. It is very enjoyable to talk with you under the influence anyway. We are going back to our hotel and we are ours. I would lie saying that I had better sex with a man before this night. It is just magical, this is Love with a capital L. And later, I will think of this night when I pleasure myself alone. Everything is perfect, so are the length of your penis and the taste of your inside. Sometimes, everything goes perfectly and this night is one of those times.

All I know is that we both didn't even want to make love on our last night, just like yesterday was perfect enough and not to be wasted. This last night is quiet, I am just admiring you again and again, I want to capture your face with my eyes and keep it forever in my mind. You are very tired anyway, after this long day cycling around. You know what I think about this sunset, our last sunset. We left before it was complete, our story will continue. The fact is that I am more comfortable with words than with actions. And once again, we fall asleep in the same bed and I already feel far from you.

THIS IS A FEELING I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE

On the bus back to Hanoi, I notice that you hold my hand in public and you are comfortable with this. I noticed it yesterday at the top of the hill as well. It's funny because even when it's about goodbyes, we act different. When I want to make it quick, you decide to stay longer with me, walking randomly in the streets whereas you have a flight to catch. It is useless, we can't avoid the inevitable. I don't like anything about this last night. I don't like our last kiss.

I know that you cry a lot at the airport. For some reasons, I don't. Once again, I am surely more prepared than you could be. It's like I was already far from you in my mind when I still could hold your hand. I am sorry for this pain. I truly am.

YOU ARE BACK TO SOUTHERN VIETNAM WHEN I TRAVEL AROUND ASIA

I don't believe in relationships when it includes distance. I am in a different state of mind, I am busy traveling, making new experiences and meeting new people. I am on the road when you are staying back home in Ho Chi Minh-City, overthinking. We talk every day, every two days, every week, every month and now I become far from you not only by the distance but in your thoughts too. What we both knew was going to happen, happened.

I know I was “supposed” to go back to Vietnam while you would still be there, but I changed my plans and went to Myanmar instead. I am a traveler.

AND YOU STARTED TO TRAVEL TOO

You planned everything except me. That's how we end up being in Thailand at the same time but not at the same place. Anyway, why would we meet again? For a few hours? For a few days? And bring this pain back when we have to leave each other again?

Three months later, I realise that you are gone. Talking to me is too painful for you, the covid-19 outbreak pushed you to go back to Denmark sooner than planned and I have decided to stay in Southeast Asia anyway. We don't talk anymore. We both made the decision to stop our relationship. I cry. You cry. And even though I feel far from you, I will always be next to you.