The #DogSlam

nesem

Yesterday, while I was playing with my dog

I realized I was acting happy

Trying to make funny sounds with my throat and mouth

I realized even then I was trying too hard

 

Then, in the evening, I went to a concert

Of that wonderfully talented guy and his band

All the Dylans and Sugar Men of the world better hide I thought

Cause that guy is coming for their crowns

I was moving to the songs, letting my dreamy eyes get lost on the chords of the guitars

And thinking « Ow how thrilled I am to be here »

And than suddenly thinking that even then, I was trying too hard

 

Shut up my brain

Shut up thoughts

All the wise guys say you need to live in the now

Remember those six months of coloring mandalas

And listening to zen audiobooks ?

47 fucking hours, even while travelling

Remember those arrow words that got deep into your heart ?

Those looking at the sea,

And being sorry

For the rest of the unconscious world out there,

Cause you baby you were awaken !

Eyes wide open, check

Heart and ears open, check

Mouth shut, check

You were building back up

You were smiling to life

You were trying,

Ow yeah, You were trying so hard

 

At some point, weeks and weeks ago, I was walking

In the hot summer streets

Looking with no job, for an apartment that'd let me rent it

With the sweat leaking from my tears-unauthorized face

I was thinking

« How beautiful is Paris in July? »

Again, i was… you got it… trying trying trying so fucking hard

 

Once the basis of my Maslow's needs' pyramid checked on an excell list

I sat down in the very black, white and grey new

And « for one years only cause i'm your friend » house

And started spotting out my weaknesses

As a company would do in a swot analysis

Strenghts, opportunities, weaknesses and threats

I had it all staring at me fiercely, put down clearly on a powerful paper sheet

Holy shit, I was back, and I had it !

I threw away all of my un-performing parts

My too much lovings

My too much kissings

My too much tellings

My too much needings

My too fucking much dreamings

 

Enough was enough

It was time i'd grow up

At thirty, I might even be too late, I thought

I wrote all my learnings on post-its of rainbow colours

Put it everywhere on that someone else's walls

They didn't stick of course

I threw them away as I did with my old fearful self

I threw them away and kept checking new boxes on my list

Half spiritual baby, half terminator

I went out in the world and performed the attitude of being strong

I went out into Paris and thought

How shiny do I look in these dirty old streets?

Yeah I had done it

I had it all and needed no one to confirm it

 

But… of course there is a but…

Would it be fun if life weren't a cycle?

And so it came back at me

When one morning I realized, coffee wasn't sexy enough to get up

Although staying in bed was no option, and I desperately needed some make-up

 

Holly shit, I wanted to sleep

And when I did, my head started acking

And when I got up, the world wouldn't stop pivoting

My body was getting fat, even cigarettes tasted bad

But of course I kept smoking

 

I kept denying my tired heart

I kept killing my bored body

Until this little dog threw at my face that simple epiphany

 

I may be my own independent person now

But I pushed the balance too much on one side

Now that I can trust myself, I need a friend, I need a team

And I badly need us together to win somethings

 

The sweet and smelly puppy licked my face

I washed him, and I said thanks

And so today we went out and walked around, simply doing nothing.

Ow how beautiful it all was, as I wasn't trying to comment on things being.

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