NEXT TO            YOU

VERY FIRST MINUTES TOGETHER

Wednesday, 4^th of December, the day I meet you. You are walking into my dormitory where I live and sleep in Ho Chi Minh-City and you introduce yourself to me. Half Iranian half Vietnamese and you come from Denmark. You look young, as a matter of fact you are nineteen. I know myself, I don't deal with people younger than me because I find them not interesting, they are kids, which is normal I think. Maybe also because I am already an old soul in my twenty-three years old body and mind. But to be honest, I won't lie, I look at you and you impress me. You look so mature and adult, so comfortable and confident and you speak such a perfect English, better than mine. My mind is confused but I already know something and this something is that even though I don't know you, I desire you and I want you.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER WE ARE HEADING TO THE WHISKEY BAR

I am about to meet a friend in the first district of the city to have some whiskeys. I invite you to join and I can see, and you told me, how happy you are to meet someone asking you to go out when you just moved in the country and don't know anyone. You accept and about twenty minutes later, we are on our motorbikes heading to the bar.

AT THE BAR "WHISKEY & WARES", HCMC DISTRICT 1

We meet my friend and him and I already know what to order but you are hesitating between following us and have a whiskey or just have a beer. You tell me that you never had a whiskey before. You sound so innocent and not because I drink whiskey since I am seventeen. You end up having a beer and we go to the first floor. I feel far from you as my friend is in between us. It is like he is tearing us apart.

I know, this is extreme but I think about some strategies like going to the toilets and sit back next to you but I don't. I quickly notice that you are someone very sociable, you actually don't really pay attention to me. Maybe also because I am not that sociable at the same time. I try to act very nice so you have a good opinion of me, I try to speak English perfectly just like you and get rid of my French accent. My friend and I are getting tipsy with two whiskeys and two beers for about 500 000 Ð while you choose to not order drinks anymore. You are good with your first beer.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IN SOUTH VIETNAM

We are leaving this fancy bar to look for a local prices place until we find it close to the Bùi Viện walking street. 30 000 Ð for a large Tiger beer. We end up having three of them. Here at least I am sitting next to you.

You have long legs. I can feel one of your leg touching mine and I want to keep this contact because I like the sensation. I slowly put my hand on your thigh. I absolutely have no idea of what you can think of me. We absolutely don't know nothing about each other. I am so impulsive. I can't blame the alcohol, I know myself and I know that I am very impulsive, probably too impulsive.

After these three large Tiger beers, about almost two litres of beer, we all choose to go back home. My friend calls the taxi and he goes front. I am sitting behind with you... Of course, I take your hand because I feel powerful and I don't think of any consequences. I come close to you and whisper to your ear: "I want to kiss you" and we kiss. Later on, I kiss you again. Kind of the drunk kisses, totally insignificant things. And once back home, we go to sleep in our own beds which is good because I am not expecting anything.

THE DAY AFTER, I KEEP THINKING ABOUT YOU

There is always this weird moment when you wake up in the morning and see the person with whom you had "something" the night before again. I have this feeling of not knowing how to deal with it because I don't know what you think of all this. I don't even know if you wanted to kiss me yesterday. I get close to people very fast and I like to control everything.

I am going to Singapore tomorrow and I will be back in four days. I have this impression of... I don't want to go to Singapore anymore, I want to be with you to live our experience together. I want to live it now, I don't want to postpone it, and I don't want to let you live something else with someone else while I am away. I don't want you to get sociable with everyone because I want you to be mine. What a crazy dumb and stupid reaction to want to control someone that much. Someone that I don't know but just someone that I fell in love with from the first look. This feeling of possession is so ridiculous. But I want to be special to you.

(SINGAPORE)

I am in Singapore and I hook up with some men. I feel free but at the same time I feel like I am yours and I want to be yours, not theirs. I have sex every day but I don't even know if I like it. This is just the fact that these people want me so I can easily offer them my body. It is so easy for me to feel desired and to act like a whore because I don't really care about anything.

I MYSELF MISUNDERSTOOD

I am back to Ho Chi Minh-City and I can't hide how happy I am for the simple reason that I am seeing you again. For the first time in two months, I care about my physical appearance because I want to be seductive. I want you to pay attention to me and a lot is happening in my mind. You know, in four days, I had plenty of time to imagine romantic love stories about you and me.

This night you are playing piano. You tell me that you write songs and you sing too. I am sitting next to you again while you are playing. Even though you are very shy and look a little bit uncomfortable, you choose to play and sing "Turning Tables" from Adele. I am speechless. I am speechless. This is very romantic and this is the kind of things that makes me fall for someone directly. I mean, who won't? We spend around ten minutes in this room and I don't want anyone to disturb me, to disturb us.

I have some confused feelings inside me because I am totally sure that you are not trying to seduce me. It sounds like you are acting just normal, because this is how you are, with everyone. Just like when you join me in my bed to watch A Star Is Born with me and that I end up holding your hand. You know, all along the movie I was wondering how to get closer to you. You are right there, next to me but how can I hold your hand? It is so embarrassing because I feel like you are not responding to my caresses. I feel like you just don't know how to say no to me.

And you know, when I try to act different in order to impress you or to seduce you, I always lost myself because I have to think about everything I say and everything I do. And guess what? I do everything wrong. Just like this day when I text you to ask you if I can sleep with you tonight. Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about having sex with you, I just feel like I want to be close to you and sleep next to you. It is hard to know that we are in the same dormitory, so close but so far at the same time. I feel like I have to apologize. I have to apologize for kissing you, holding your hand and sending you this awkward message.

That's why tonight I send you this text: "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable last time" followed by the monkey emoji. The one who hides its mouth. You admit that you don't know if you wanted me to kiss you last time in the car. It's hard. It's hard. And I keep in my mind when you told me that you are "not sure" to want something more with me.

WHEN THE LOVE SADNESS GETS ME AGAIN

I feel dumb to say it but my heart is like broken even though there is nothing between us. I feel pain because I see you talking with everyone and I isolate myself in my bed, thinking about you and crying. The feeling is even worse when I realize that I act with such a stupidity with someone who is nineteen. I don't know, it adds something dramatic. Just like... I am a fool. I fell in love for a nineteen years old boy. The sadness is even stronger when I notice that you get along very well with young people in the house. I feel left behind but at the same time, we don't have so much in common. I lived before you, I have more experiences, I have a lot of experiences and I don't know if you actually have any. The thing is that I treat you like someone from my age whereas you're not. This is a big mistake. But I like you. I don't even know how I look to you, like this older man who wants to catch a teenager boy no matter what. That's how I see myself. So why am I so attracted to you if we don't share anything together?

TO SUMMARIZE MY FUCKED UP SITUATION

Since I met you, I am losing control of my life and my feelings. I am confused and I have not felt that confused for a long time. You change everything, you offer new perspectives and you condemn me to remain in ignorance. I am losing control of the situation when I like to control every little thing. I don't know how to act and my mind is messed up. I don't know what I want. Or, I want you to look at me, to pay attention to me, to share things with me. Just don't ignore me, love me, please. To summarize, I don't sleep anymore because I think about you all night. I let my Wi-Fi on in case you send me a text during the night. I check my smartphone every time like a fool. I sleep all day. I spend my day in the dark. I feel tired and depressed. I cry. I think that I am in love with you and I am the loser, I hate this feeling: to love.

THIS NIGHT YOU JOIN ME IN MY BED

That night, I am watching The Bridges of Madison County when you ask me if you can join and watch the end of the movie with me. Of course you can. I don't really understand but I don't care because that's all I want. You show me that you want to hold my hand. A little bit more of a confidence for me now... but I am wondering: are you giving me a try?

After the movie, we are listening some music and you talk a little bit about you so I can get to know you better. You are young, I can hear it in your voice and the way you speak. And there is that moment when you tell me that you have never kissed anyone sober. It only happened when you were drunk. I was kind of speechless because I quickly understand now that you might be a virgin. I might be your first relationship. It scares me.

I caress your body, I think that you feel things that you have never felt before but I am not sure if you like it. I know how much you like having control of everything, including your body. The contrast is too huge, I have so many experiences and I am your first one. I try to kiss you before we sleep but you don't want too. I tell you goodnight and I think a lot before falling asleep. I should be patient with you because I know you will want to take your time, which is normal and legitimate. You want to do things correctly and you don't want your first relationship to be a mess. I think that you are also impressed by me but you don't want to show it clearly.

Waking up next to you is one of the best feeling in the morning, smelling your smell. You know, when you are close to me, I can't stop staring at you. I like to put my hand on your heart to feel your heart beating. You know, when I am with you, I feel invincible.

WE LEARN HOW TO DISCOVER EACH OTHER

We spend a day together and learn how to discover each other but I don't like what you think of me. I don't like the fact that I should convince you every time. I want to get rid of this image of fucking boy that I might be. I am tired of this reputation. You feel insecure because you think that you are just another boy or girl I will have a romance and have sex with. I admit that I don't give much importance to sex but you have to understand that I am not nineteen anymore, or I am just fucked up. What I want to explain to you is that I am willing to do things as you want, I will be at your mercy. I actually want to cherish what we could have. Taking those ideas off of your mind is important. To be honest I am an endless romantic but I know that my actions are not very compelling. Neither is my past. Give me a try.

You know, every day I am craving for the night to fall so I can meet you in my bed. And there is this night when you get back tipsy from your party and tell me that you prefer to sleep alone so you won't be too horny and do things you may regret, I feel bad but I have to agree and shut up because I want to show you that I listen to you and I am able to understand your feelings. But for me, it is frustrating.

HE BREAKS UP WITH ME BEFORE I CAN PROVE ANYTHING TO HIM

The night has fallen in Vietnam and I am going to your bed to hug you but you are not responding. I feel like there is something wrong. Indeed. There is. It seems like you have been thinking a lot lately and you have been considering everything. You are very smart. And I am very sad. You tell me that starting anything is useless because I am going to leave Vietnam in one month. This is the main difference between you and me, you are thinking of every consequence and you are very careful because you are afraid of getting hurt. I am more like... live it up now, let's live and love and fuck the future. But not you. And once again, you think that you are just another regular guy in my life.

It is painful to hear but legitimate from you. Once again you let me speechless. I feel stupid. I don't know what to think. I have to explain myself a lot before you trust me. I mean, I think you do but you are scared, scared of the unknown. I am your unknown.

Anyway, it seems like you believe me and I am glad. But at the same time, I really hate justifying myself. I am about to leave your bed when you hold my arm to keep me next to you. What am I supposed to do? Yes, we are having an amazing night again but then you are not talking with me during the day still. Even though I feel a little bit more loved.

WE GO FOR A WALK TOGETHER, FOR THE FIRST TIME

We wake up kind of early this morning, around ten. I propose you to go for a walk close by our place. It is really cool because simple, we are just walking together even though we don't hold hands. I don't know if this is because we are in Vietnam and two men holding hands can seem strange or simply because you don't feel like you want to. Anyway. At this point, I should be satisfied that I can share moments only with you. I like it, that is just too bad that once we are back home you ignore me again.

And at night, all I want is you and you know that. However, tonight you decide that we won't sleep next to each other. As always, it is up to you.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF RUNNING AFTER YOU SO WHATEVER

You know, I am tired of this. I am not satisfied, you are too complicated for me. In fact, no, you are not too complicated. We are just too different and I can't handle this difference. It's your time to prove me that you like me.

AND HE COMES BACK TO MY BED AGAIN, INNOCENTLY

I am confused because. Actually you are too perfect. This is as positive as negative. But tonight we are talking a lot until you tell me "I'm in". I don't know if you realize that we are not talking about a game or maybe the game of love. This night you choose to sleep with me and I choose to ask you if I can kiss you. You fall asleep without giving me an answer and I can't sleep the whole night. This is just crazy how I can't literally sleep during the night because I think about you.

In the middle of the night or early in the morning you hug me and I can feel your sex in erection against my leg. I don't really know how to react, I don't want you to think that all I want is to have sex with you so I don't move. I don't move but I can't help caressing your sex through your underwear. And we give each other some sweet kisses around five in the morning.

HOW ONCE HE TAKES HIS DECISION EVERYTHING GOES SO FAST

It is unbelievable how fast everything goes now. It looks like you definitely know what you want now. You hug me, kiss me and even tell me that you miss me. Tonight I meet some friends of mine visiting me in Ho Chi Minh-City and I am not going back home. I think that it is good to take a break to think about all this because obviously, a lot happened.

To be honest, you keep surprising me because I can see now that you like me. There is no doubts anymore. You act like you don't care about anyone anymore. It's like you are ready to show everyone that we have something. Even more surprising is when I go to your bed to kiss you goodbye and you grab my sex and ask me to stay. I thought that you would be taking your time with me but it seems like your sexual urges take power over you and that's how my goodbye kiss ends up being a goodbye blowjob. And everything goes so fast, I give you a blowjob for two minutes that you are already ejaculating in my mouth. I'm sorry that it takes so long with me. We have to get to know ourselves, sexually speaking. You are still young. Actually, this is not about youth but about experiences. Take your time, sex is time. Damn, and that's me who says that.

EVERYTHING IS NOW SO SIMPLE

When I think of you I think that I am fully satisfied with you. We don't do a lot but enough for me. You know, I can spend the entire day sleeping next to you, I don't care. This is not wasting my time, as long as I am with you. You seem to be a new man, you seem to be a happy man, a fulfilled man. I am so used to you, used to sleep next to you, used to have sex with you, and used to look at you. This is strong.

INSECURE

Tonight I don't know what to think because you explains to me that you feel insecure like never before. You have never felt this kind of insecurity. When you tell me that you feel like you should ask for my permission to do something, I quickly realize that you are falling in love with me. And you hate this. "I am weak" you told me. Just like when you say that you are constantly horny and we are joking about you being a horny teenager.

Anyway, there is a storm in your mind now because once again you would like to control absolutely everything but you can't. We can't. This is something that I have learnt recently, we can't control everything. Do we even control anything? I want you to be comfortable, satisfied and free. Take your time, once again.

This night, you choose to sleep in your bed and I feel like an empty space in my bed and in my heart.