Sugar

i'm really feeling like shit right now. i've been to a student bar, proceeded to get drunk watching girls i could not talk to, did not feel like talking to, did not know how to talk to, cause that was not the place, and the music was shit and i feared my friends would be assholes, so i just left.

now you know, i bought a fucking muffin and i'm scrobbling trough her pictures, and i'm just too damn fucked up, because i love her mouth you know. take it all back, just give me her mouth, i don't care about her twitter account or her nice dresses, i'm just in love with her fucking mouth. and it's not about a blowjob or what the fuck you could do with this awfully beautifully looking mouth, it's just about fuck it, i want you to smile at me with this two motherfucking lips. that's fucked up cause i barely know her, she's 6000 motherfucking kilometres away, you know, and that's fucking tearing me apart, i'm into pieces right now. i'd flick tumblr to cry looking at pictures saying "i want to fall asleep with you". cause that's what i wanna do, i want her to mutter in my hear that ooooouh she loves me so, and why she loves me, she'll never know. but i guess that will never happen cause when i come back this will all be over, this will already have ended in tears.

she already has all the reasons in the world to hate me. i mean, she also has all the reasons to love me. i'm good looking, but i'm gone, yes, i'm clever, and witty, and fuck it, i'm brilliant, but i act like a dumb pretentious motherfucking scum, i'm a motherfucking dumb pretentious scum cause i'm fucking insecure, you know? i'm juste a pretty damn fucking insecure dumb fuck and well, i'm not craving for anyone to tell me that it's all gonna be okay in the end, that's true, that's a melodramatic lie, i'm just looking for someone who'll tell me that it's fucking okay that i'm a just a pretty damn fucking insecure dumb fuck and that i dont need to, that there's no reason for me to be a motherfucking damn fucking insecure dumb fuck.

that's what i tought i had found, like not really found, but there were some hints, you know, but really, reality call, reality check vadim, does a number of fucking internet conversations add up to form an hint that she's the one? are you really that stupid? you went to college, you read books, who the fuck do you think you're fooling? yeah yourself. easy answer, isn't it?

so yeah i'm not saying i love her, actually, i'm not that a pretty damn fucking insecure dumb fuck, but i could have love her some other time some other place and that's what making me feel like shit, like did i really screw up this also? did i really prevent her from like falling in love with me in the future? or maybe there wasn't any chance she'd fall in love with you. maybe you just dreamed all that shit, because you're a pretty damn fucking insecure dumb fuck. that's another possibility, and well, doesn't it make you feel even more like shit? yes it is. you're an awesome pretty damn fucking insecure dumb fuck vadim, i hope you're conscious of this.