Way too much.

Way too much for my tiny heart, when fears fill it and it is about to explode. Way too much to bear on my skin, shyness burned it and words destroyed the way I see it. It is true, I am now afraid of love, because that always hurt me. Others just use you, come on, love does not exist. Do not truly except it. I could imagine a whole conversation about love. I could have said those things way too soon, but never did I. But even now, I can so much imagine how to answer to some words.

"What do you know about life, you, on the top of your age ?
-Not much, indeed. Just things that make me crazy, seeking something that does not exist. Things that are sucking my feelings, things that I hate. However what do I also know about hate? I do know what is it when you constantly think that you are failing. I do know what is it to be hurt by silly words. But I have one thing that I wish since my childhood. That is the most important thing that I ever had. I wish to be alone, depending of no one. Just me. Maybe with also some people who could love me, but without letting me doubt or cry. I do not want to be lost and fight anymore for unimportant things. I do not want to cry or want to torn up my own flesh."

Fitting nowhere is maybe my destiny but I will do it without any fear now. Trying progressively to smile and be happy, to give all I wanted to give and in doing what I want to do. I am what I am and I do not want to let anyone laugh about it. Or break it. I do not want to change it. I do bad things, of course. But I want to live the way I am without feeling pain. I could imagine poems, you know, about how much mistakes I will do. About things that I did not choose to be. But I could also tell it so easily.

I am a simple girl,
not really pretty.
Not really ugly.
Not really skinny.
Not really fat.
Not really cleaver.
Not really stupid.

I'm way too much that "not", like a ghost wandering in the life.
But I'm also some a "I'm".

I'm sensible.
I'm easily passionate.
I'm interesting by history, by economy, by story, by knowledge, by the world. 

I'm the kind of people who cares so much about people that they could call me "silly".

But, if I can't stop myself to care, does make me become an idiot? I have way too much in my mind, but I think that I'm slowly becoming happy.