My intimate mess

Some days feel harder than other days. Some days I feel soft as a feather, joyful, sparkling like a bubble fuzz, and some days, it feels like hell just to be alive.

Some days I feel very insecure aboout myself, about my body. Looking at them all, and they don't care about me but I feel like they are judging my body, how my clothes exposes every flaw of it, how I should be skinnier, smarter, prettier. How I'm not enough and not worth. I know i'm just a girl in their daily way, and that they don't even see me. I know I'm pretty and thin to most of people. I know I'm quite an random person, and that they don't even notice me for most of them.

I know those who actually notice me would better judge my clithes that are often excentric, my music that I often play very loud. The rare that may judge my body would be very few to think I'm fat or something in this way.

The worst feeling, is when I'm going to see him, oh my God, I love him so much... That I sometimes feel like I should be better. Still the same song, you know. Prettier, smarter, funnier, just feel like he deserves better than me. 

He is so fantastic, you should see him ! He's got a great body for sure, a handsome face, all that stuff, and a voice that makes me crave him a bit more at every word. And in this fantastic body, there is even more ! Intelligent, with a lot of culture, able to debate on a lot of subjects, caring, respectful, open minded, and a lot more. He is my world, my ideal, and I find in him anything I could be looking for.

I should be as good as him. I should make him happy. I should be perfect because he deserves a perfect girlfriend. But perfection doesn't exist, and it doesn't matter because I aspire to it anyway. I know he loves me, I know I'm the one who completes him as much as he completes me, and the "funny" side of it is that he used to feel kinda same, and often feels like he should do more for me.

Hopefully, when I stand by his sweet side, I feel so great ! All of these insecurities fly away, and then I feel great. I feel like the luckiest girl in this world, and I guess I am. I feel proud of having such a great man with me, and I may like some of my personal traits. Problem is, most of it disappear as soon as I'm alone again.

He is my world. He is my everything. And I just feel so alone and empty when we're not together... 

I just wish he could one day hold my hand, and never let me go again.